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I remember as I was putting the finishing touches on one of my Bible studies, I asked several people to critique it for me. I had enough sense to know that I needed other eyes looking at it, seeing what I couldn’t see, if I really wanted that Bible study to be as good as it could be. But frankly, I didn’t want to hear the criticisms I had solicited. And I had to fight with everything in me to keep from being defensive as suggestions were made to improve the study.
Now, if I feel that way about solicited criticisms, you can imagine how I react to unsolicited criticisms. It is a very hard thing for me to handle—I have to be honest with you. Reviews of my books frighten me; I have to make myself read them. I fear they will be negative, and that would be painful. I can relate with Job who said in Job 6:24-25: Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. How painful are honest words. It seems Job had the same type of reaction to criticism that I do.
Well, it’s a weakness, and it’s one I must overcome. Because I need good honest criticism, I need input from others so I can improve, so I can avoid making the same mistakes all the time, so I can see myself and how others perceive me more accurately. I NEED IT, but I don’t want it.
How would you rate yourself when it comes to handling criticism? Would your score, like mine, be on the low side? Well, how can we improve? We don’t have to be this way forever. Jesus has victory for us in every area, and that includes handling criticism. So, let’s talk about it.
Handling criticism well is a sign of maturity, both spiritual and emotional maturity. I’m discovering that as I am more and more confident of who I am in Christ and how much he loves me, the better I am at accepting criticism. As I grow spiritually with God, I also grow emotionally. Have you ever thought about that? The two go hand-in-hand.
Spiritual growth—knowing who God is and how we relate to him and how he relates to us—brings emotional growth. So, I notice that as I spend time getting to know God, immersing myself in God’s Word, and filling my mind with his thoughts, my emotional weaknesses begin to improve. So, as in every other area of our lives, the starting point for learning to handle criticism well is to get to know God better, spending time in his Word, communicating with him regularly and growing continually in our understanding of God and our faith.
And then, if we’re going to learn to handle criticism correctly, we’ve got to have the right attitude toward it. If we look at it as something negative, then obviously we’ll handle it poorly. It reminds me of my first job in sales with IBM. We weren’t allowed to have problems; we were instead faced with many opportunities! A positive outlook on any situation can make a huge difference in how we react.
If you can learn to think of criticism as a helpful tool in your life which can accelerate your own growth and learning curve, then that takes a lot of the pain out of criticism and gives you a good starting place for handling it correctly. So, the next time a criticism comes your way, send up a quick silent prayer and ask the Lord to help you see this as an instrument of good in your life. That way you can turn the pain into gain. Yes, the criticism was painful, but now you can make a painful experience a stair-step towards improvement, so you don’t suffer for nothing! That makes sense, doesn’t it?
What else can you do to teach yourself to handle criticism better? Well, you surely need to pray that God will give you a teachable heart and make you able to accept criticism appropriately. That’s always a necessity for us as Christians when we recognize an area in our life that needs strengthening. We read in 1 Corinthians 11:31 that “if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment.” We can judge ourselves by asking God to show us our weaknesses and praying about them, and that’s a lot better than waiting for someone else to judge us.
Often, I pray the prayer in Psalm 19:12 where the Psalmist says, who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. It’s difficult to discern your own errors, so we need feedback—sometimes in the form of criticism—to help us see those hidden faults and then do something about them.
Frequently, however, we do just the opposite—we bury our heads in the sand and refuse to face our weaknesses. I can think of a person who really needs some help in one of her skills; her weakness in a certain area is very noticeable, and it wouldn’t take much at all to correct it. However, because she can’t handle any criticism, no one dares to approach her. Obviously, she is the loser because of her inability to face her own weaknesses or accept any criticism.
Well, I understand the desire to run away from criticism—I have the same initial reaction. But Proverbs 9:9 says: Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. So, it’s very important that we are teachable, and that we continually ask God to make us more and more teachable.
Another good principle to learn in handling criticism is to remember to never get defensive about the criticism, even if it’s unfair. Listen to it without defending yourself. That’s so easy to say, but so hard to do, isn’t it? I know because defensiveness is always my first reaction. At the moment the criticism comes your way, your emotions are probably a bit out of control, and you need to wait before you speak. Give yourself time before you respond to it. Give the pain a chance to subside, make sure you’re rested, and then consider the validity of the criticism.
I’m not saying we should accept all criticism as valid, but I am saying that at the moment it is delivered, we’re not usually objective enough to make a good decision about the criticism. So, a good response is to say very little, and by all means, don’t start defending yourself. I have learned that if I react right away in these types of situations, it is usually the wrong reaction. But if I wait, I can make a fairly objective assessment and react properly.
One way to handle a criticism at the time it’s delivered, without allowing yourself to react at that point, is to thank them for telling you. That buys you some time to get control of your feelings. You can always say, “You know, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. That gives me something to think about, and I will.” But remember that while you’re in react mode, you’re not totally in control, so buy yourself some time, keep your words to a minimum, and give it some thought after your emotions have settled down.
We also need to learn to avoid letting criticism send us on a guilt trip. Criticisms are either valid or invalid. When they’re valid, we simply need to make the necessary changes. When they’re invalid, we need to get it out of our head and forget about it. But in either case, we don’t need to dump more guilt on our head.
Going on needless guilt trips is so self-defeating. God doesn’t intend for us to be guilt-ridden, and we don’t have to allow criticism to inject guilt in our lives. Once you have assessed the criticism, objectively faced the issue, and taken whatever action is necessary, then the guilt should go. Don’t be surprised to discover that your enemy, Satan, will lurk around at every corner waiting for an opportunity to dump guilt on your head. He’ll try to constantly remind you of the criticism after it’s been taken care of. That’s when you need to stand up to him and claim the victory over guilt that is yours in Jesus Christ.
Another good thing is to learn to solicit criticism when appropriate. A good sign of maturity is recognizing you don’t know it all and asking the appropriate people to give you some constructive, helpful criticism. Of course, you need to know that the person has your best interests at heart and is capable of giving you good advice in that area. But don’t just ask people who will say only good things to you. If you really want to improve in some area, solicit good criticism from the right people. It’s easier to handle criticism when you solicit it, and it’s very helpful to get input from others.
Now, you probably have realized that some people just don’t know how to give criticism well. They may be well intentioned, but the form it comes in can be difficult to handle. It’s often true that managers aren’t well trained in delivering constructive criticism. Proverbs 16:21 says that pleasant words promote instruction, and managers would do well to be aware of that.
I think that’s another area where I need some strong improvement, and that is to learn to deliver criticisms in a softer way. When it is your job to offer a constructive criticism, ask God to give you discernment about that person. Different people handle criticism very differently, and we need to be sensitive to their feelings. However, when it is our duty to deliver a needed criticism, we must be willing to do it even if that person has an initial reaction of defensiveness or non-acceptance. Even if they never change, we should not neglect our responsibility to offer the criticism they need in the kindest way possible for their good.
However, when it’s not our job to offer constructive criticism, we need to learn to keep our mouths shut and allow people to learn through their own mistakes. We parents have trouble with this, especially as our children grow up. Recently a woman told me that her grown daughter and son-in-law told her she interfered too much and was too critical. She said to me, “I just want to help them, and when I see them making a mistake, I try to give them good advice.” But they perceived it as criticism and interference.
I said to her, “Just pray and don’t say anything.” That was rather direct advice, I realize, but there is a time when you back away, let your grown children make their own mistakes and learn, pray a lot for them, and give advice and criticism only when asked, for the most part. Obviously, if you have a child walking in paths of sin and destruction, God may lead you to give them a warning. But even then, in the end the decision is still theirs.
Remember that if you’re on the receiving end of a criticism that is delivered poorly, you’ll do yourself a great favor by making every effort to hear the criticism and not let the delivery get to you. Separate the form from the content. Look behind poor delivery for good motives, and you may discover some very meaningful information to help you.
If you’re like me, I like warm fuzzies a lot better than criticism, but I need honest criticism. Without it my growth and effectiveness will be diminished, and I don’t want that.
Proverbs 19:20 says: Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. And in Proverbs 13:18 we read, Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored. We need to put discipline into our lives, which allows us to handle criticism correctly. We are the winners when we do.