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As we look at Fran’s struggle with establishing appropriate boundaries for her life, part of the problem is that she has the somewhat misplaced conception that as a Christ-follower, she should try to do what anyone asks of her. After all, she thinks, isn’t that what Jesus meant when he told us in the Sermon on the Mount that we should go the extra mile? Well, no it isn’t. One mile, yes, but not unending extra miles.
Fran faces various people in her life who are pushing her boundaries. They are each different, but they represent the various ways that boundaries can become a real issue. The first one deals with a friend who continually exceeds normal and acceptable boundaries when it comes to requiring a lot of Fran’s time.
It’s Sunday afternoon and Fran has planned to spend a quiet day at home with her two children, just enjoying an afternoon to play games with Drew and Alice, and maybe even do some good reading, one of her favorite pastimes that she doesn’t get to do very often. Just as she is in the midst of a game of Crazy 8, having fun with her kids, the phone rings and Jane is on the other end.
Jane is a friend from church who calls Fran quite often and talks for long periods of time about all her issues. You might say she is a high-maintenance friend, but Fran has tried to listen and help her, thinking that this is the right thing to do. Admittedly it has become a bit out-of-balance and as Fran sees Jane’s caller ID, she is really tempted to just let it go—but she’s supposed to be there for her friends, right? So, she answers and sure enough Jane begins her typical long and detailed complaining and whining. Jane is the type who tells you how to build a clock when all you want to know is what time it is.
At first, Fran tries to encourage her and offer some suggestions, but everything she says is resisted by Jane, and it seems Fran can do nothing but listen. Whatever advice Fran may have is immediately discounted by Jane. “That wouldn’t work” is her familiar retort, or “You just don’t understand” is another.
After twenty minutes, Drew says, “Mom, aren’t we gonna finish our game?” No doubt Jane heard Drew, but she completely ignores it and continues her tirade. After another ten minutes and several pleas from Drew and Alice, Fran realizes that Jane is not going to stop anytime soon, so when Jane takes a breath, she says, “Hey, Jane, the kids and I were playing a game and I promised them we’d finish, so if you don’t mind, I need to get back to them. I’ll be praying for you. In fact, why don’t I pray for you now before we hang up?”
Jane says, “Well, I know you’re always busy and don’t have time to talk—I guess games are more important to you than friends.” And with that she hangs up, totally ignoring Fran’s offer to pray.
“Wow,” Fran says to herself, “I guess I should have let her keep talking—but honestly, it doesn’t do any good to listen to her. She simply isn’t interested in solutions or advice; all she wants is to bend my ear and get my sympathy. I don’t know, Lord, what am I supposed to do?”
Was Fran right to finally bring this conversation to a close? She feels a bit guilty, but then she feels guilty about her commitment to the kids as well. If it were a one-time event, the answer might be different. But Jane has been doing this to Fran for several weeks, but this is the first time Fran has assertively brought a conversation to the close, which obviously has not set well with Jane. Did she have a better option?
Have you got some “Janes” in your life—people who continually bend your ear and take up your time, but nothing good ever seems to come from it? Maybe it’s time to do something about it. Perhaps instead of putting up with Jane’s time-consuming litany of complaints, Fran needs to consider what she might do to help Jane, while at the same time setting some boundaries for these frequent one-sided conversations. It’s obvious that they aren’t accomplishing anything good for either woman.
So, I would advise Fran to find the right time—maybe over a meal—where she could try to help Jane, perhaps by advising her to seek some spiritual or professional counsel, while explaining that Fran doesn’t feel qualified to offer that kind of counsel, nor does she have time for lengthy discussions due to being a single mom. That’s a little risky, admittedly, and it may bring an end to their friendship, but at least it offers some hope for Jane if she would listen.
You see, setting boundaries is often very uncomfortable and false guilt is one of our enemies. Fran needs to recognize that the guilt she feels is totally inappropriate, refuse to accept it, and take that hard step of setting some boundaries, for her sake as well as Jane’s. Have you learned to distinguish false guilt from true guilt? They feel about the same, but one is legitimate and the other isn’t. In this case, false guilt says to Fran: I should be a better friend. Jane is unhappy with me so I must have done something wrong. False guilt is usually vague non-specific feelings that you’ve failed but you can’t put your finger on exactly what you’ve done wrong.
I’ve written a book entitled Why Do I Always Feel Guilty? which you may find helpful if you are struggling with lots of guilt. I understand because I finally recognized my tendency to take on guilt at the drop of a hat, and that’s when I began to seriously confront and pray about it, which eventually led to writing the book. You can order it from us on our website.
Here’s another boundary issue for Fran, this time involving a coworker.
It’s Tuesday and Fran has a plate full of things to get done for one of her most important clients before a deadline on Wednesday. As she digs in with a plan to make it happen, a coworker walks into her office. “Hey, Fran, how’s it going?”
It’s Amy, a nice gal who is a project manager like Fran, but who somehow always seems to need help from others—especially Fran! “Hi, Amy. Well, it’s going good, but I’m under the gun to meet a deadline by tomorrow. How are things going for you?”
Uh-oh, Fran thinks, that was probably not the best question to ask. So, Amy begins to slowly talk about a presentation she is preparing for a new prospect tomorrow, but she is stumped. As she explains her dilemma, Fran feels it coming—Amy is going to ask for her help. And sure enough, she does.
“Fran, I know you’re busy, but you’re so smart and so fast, if you could just look over my presentation and give me your opinion, I would be so grateful. I really need to get this account; my manager says if my sales don’t pick up, my job could be at risk—well, at least he implied that. It won’t take you ten minutes. How about it?”
The voice in her head says, “Don’t go there, Fran. This is a time to say no.” But her exaggerated idea of what it means to “go the extra mile” overcomes her better sense, and she agrees that she can give Amy ten minutes.
What happens? Ten minutes turns into three hours, where basically Fran completely redesigns Amy’s presentation, makes it much stronger, and Amy is thrilled. “Sorry it took so long, Fran, but I know you’ll do a great job on your project. Thanks so much,” and off she goes. Now Fran has to take her work home, take time away from her family and her sleep in order to meet her own deadline.
Here’s a situation where Fran has trouble saying no. You see, Fran is a very capable person who truly can get a lot done in a short amount of time—and done well—and so she has a well-earned reputation for being a go-to person. And guess what—she likes that image. She likes to be the superwoman who amazes people with her abilities. So, pride is one reason she keeps trying to do more than she should.
But another reason is that she truly wants to be a servant, and she prays regularly that God will give her a servant heart. She believes that no one is in her life by accident, but somehow that good motivation has at times caused her to take on more than she should, not only for her sake, but it has caused her to become an enabler of others at times without realizing it. Fran should have listened to that quiet voice which told her to say no, but she just finds that so hard to do.
How do you come to the place where you know when to say no, when to go the extra mile, and when to draw the line in the sand and stick to your boundaries? Truthfully, there are no hard and fast rules here, but one thing to consider is whether or not you are becoming an enabler by refusing to say no. In this case, Amy takes the easy way out and gets Fran to do her work under the guise of needing “a little help.”
What should Fran have done? Well, she should have refused to do Amy’s work for her. If it were possible to look at her presentation for a short ten minutes, offer her some suggestions, and be done, that would have been appropriate. She could have said, “Amy, I can give you exactly ten minutes but no more. If you think that will help, I’m glad to do that, but otherwise, I just can’t do more today.” But Fran would have to stick to that ten-minute boundary and not allow herself to exceed it.
Then, because this has become a habit with Amy, she probably needs to find another time to carefully explain that her own workload is all she can handle, and at the same time, share some things she’s learned that have helped her put good presentations together. Amy is probably just lazy, and as long as Fran is willing to do her work for her, why should she go to the trouble of learning how to do it herself? Bailing Amy out is a form of enabling her, and in the long run she is not doing her a favor.
Well, boundary-setting is challenging for Fran, but her attempts at being superwoman will not benefit her or her friends. So, she needs to address this issue in her life. Maybe you do as well.