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Presented by Lisa Bishop
I am examining 5 habits of an extraordinary leader. And today we’ll talk about the third habit: be an empathic listener.
How do we practice empathic listening? When you listen empathically, it means you are listening intently and deeply to another person with the resolve to understand them and not with the goal to respond.
Think of the last conversation you had at work or home with your spouse or teenage kid. Were you focused on listening to them in a way they felt heard or was your mind racing with a response, your lips poised to give advice or blurt out your point of view? If we’re honest a lot of our communication is spent trying to get our thoughts across and have others listen to us. We can be so committed to our way of thinking we make assumptions about what another person means before they finish communicating. Empathic listening flips the script.
Proverbs 20:5 instructs,
The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.
When you listen to understand, you not only increase the chance of the person feeling heard, but there is a very high probability—especially in conversations where emotions run high—you will draw out the real issue. The next time someone comes to you with a problem, frustration, worry, concern, or complaint, resist the urge to judge, fix, or give advice. Instead, employ empathic listening. Let them know you hear them by paraphrasing their words and reflecting back the emotion you are sensing them express. For example, imagine your coworker comes into your office in a panic and says, “I’m completely overwhelmed and frustrated with this job. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Now your instinct may be to start commiserating or giving your opinion or advice, and while there may be a proper time and place for that, first try responding in a way your coworker feels like you are listening and hearing what they said. You might say something like, “It sounds like you feel discouraged at work.” Or, “I hear you’re frustrated.” And then just stop and let the person respond. Don’t be afraid of silence. When you listen this way, it creates a space for the person to keep talking and for you to gain greater understanding. If you are not used to listening in this way it can feel awkward at first but try it in the workplace or at home. See what happens when you press pause on fixing and advising and listen with the intent to truly understand.