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Did you ever think about what kind of impression you make on people? We create these impressions through our communications with others. Basically, we communicate in three ways: verbally, the words we speak; vocally, the tone of our voice; and non-verbally, our body language, facial expressions, etc. Frequently we don’t even realize that what we’re doing is causing poor or negative impressions.
As Christians working in a world that needs to know Christ, we should make the best impression we can. We are, after all, ambassadors for Jesus Christ; we represent him to our world. Since we are perceived by others by the way we communicate with them—including our verbal, vocal and non-verbal communications—don’t you think we should be intentional about improving in all those areas, so that we put “our best foot forward,” so to speak?
Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 8:21: For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men. Taking pains to do what is right—that’s a good way to put it, because it really does take effort and concentration to do what is right sometimes. So, let’s talk about these three areas of communications and perhaps give you some ideas about how you can improve—take a few extra pains to do what is right—so that you are making the best impression you can.
Verbal Skills
Verbal communication is our choice of words. You’ve probably heard the jingle that says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Well, don’t believe it. Words can and do hurt very much. Many times, people react not to the message we have given them, but rather to the way we gave the message.
Think of how often someone has given you some work to do, but she didn’t ask in a nice way; no please or thank you. She just demanded you do it and showed no consideration for what you were doing already. If you think about it, you probably reacted very poorly not because you didn’t want to do the work, but simply because she didn’t ask in a nice or considerate way.
The Bible tells us that: Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness (Proverbs 16:21 ESV). If we choose our words carefully, not only will it be good for the other person, but we’ll discover that we are more persuasive and effective in reaching people.
Watch out for phrases like It’s not my fault. It’s not my job. That’s not a good idea. You can’t do that. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow. That’s so stupid. That’s a dumb idea. Remember that you don’t like to be told what to do; you don’t like to be talked down to in a condescending way; you don’t like to be scolded or humiliated or made fun of. So, be careful not to use words that sound demanding, condescending or humiliating to others.
In a meeting one woman was expressing a concern for her parents, and without thinking, another person told her what to do, in a very direct, dictatorial way. I know this person meant very well; she was really trying to help. But the way she communicated, both in her choice of words and the dictatorial tone of her voice, just brought a cold blanket over the whole meeting.
Try your best to avoid sounding like a dictator. Put your instructions in the form of a question; it works beautifully. Instead of “You’ll have to call back later,” say instead, “Could I ask you to call back later?” Slight change of words but what a difference it makes. Remember, no one likes to be told what to do, so ask instead.
Be especially careful about your choice of words when you have to give someone bad news. Undoubtedly there are times on your job and otherwise when you are required to tell people something they really don’t want to hear. When you have bad news, at least soften the blow. Proverbs 16:24 says: Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. If you’ll soften the blow, they’ll handle the bad news better.
Proverbs 25:11 tells us that: Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a ruling rightly given. An aptly spoken word can be something as simple as a sincere compliment, a cheery good morning, a “Can I help you do that?”, a “please” or “thank you.” Have you taught your children to use these well-chosen words? Do you use them often as you should?
Well, how would you grade yourself on your verbal skills, your choice of words? Start listening to yourself talk and see if you can discover where you need to improve in this area.
Vocal Skills
There’s no doubt that words are important, but believe it or not, the tone of your voice when you say those words is even more important. You can say all the right words, but with the wrong voice, they won’t get you very far. It’s the difference in “Good morning,” and “good morning.” “Can I help you?” and “I help you.” “You have the wrong number” and “You have the wrong number.” All the same words, but totally different messages depending on how we say them.
Have you ever listened to your voice in a recording? Chances are you have. What did you think? I imagine your first thought was “That’s not me!” You see, when we talk, we just don’t hear the same thing that others hear. The sound in between our ears is very different than the sound that our listeners are hearing. Believe me, having to listen to my own voice on the radio for many years now has shown me how different I sound to you than I do to myself. And because of that, I keep trying to improve the vocal part of my communications.
I recommend that you record and listen to your voice and try to improve your vocal skills. Maybe you need a friendlier sound, or more enthusiasm. Maybe you need to slow down when you talk. If you talk too fast, it’s difficult to sound friendly, and also you sound as though you’re trying to get rid of other people.
The best technique I know to improve the vocal part of your communication skills is to speak with a smile on your face. As soon as you smile, your sound warms up. You may feel foolish, but you won’t look foolish.
Remember the verse we quoted from 2 Corinthians 8:21: For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men. True, the Lord knows you intend to sound friendly and nice, but others can’t read your mind, and if your voice doesn’t have a warm edge to it, you’re likely to create a wrong and negative impression of yourself. We have to take pains to do what is right, and that may mean you go to the trouble of smiling while you talk and work harder at improving your vocal skills.
Non-Verbal Skills
We’ve talked about verbal skills, our choice of words, vocal skills, and the tone of our voice. But did you know your non-verbal communication has a stronger impact than even your words or voice? All of us communicate very loudly without ever saying a word. Think about it: as soon as you see someone, you start to form a strong impression based on what you see before they ever say a word to you. Let’s discuss a few of those non-verbal areas of communication.
An obvious one is the way we dress. Think of the impression you have of someone who is dressed inappropriately, perhaps too casually in a formal setting or vice versa. Maybe their style is so severe that it does nothing but draw attention to themselves. Or perhaps the lack of attention to their clothes is distasteful; they need cleaning or tucking in or ironing. If your mode of dress is a problem, it makes it very difficult to get people to take you seriously or want to listen to you. You start out with a negative before you even open your mouth.
Another non-verbal communication is your posture. You know the difference you see in a person who is erect versus one who is slouchy. Believe me, people form fast and hard impressions based on such non-verbal things.
Your facial expressions are a very strong communication tool. Proverbs 15:30 says: Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart. Shouldn’t Christians be in the business of bringing joy to the hearts of others, as well as themselves? I think so, but how many Christians pay attention to their facial expressions? May not seem so important, but it’s difficult for others to believe we have found life in Christ if our faces look like death warmed over!
This is an area God continually works on with me. When my mind is occupied with other things, and I’m dashing here and there trying to get a thousand things done, I forget about how I must look to others, and I’m sure many times my face sends anything but friendly messages. For me this is especially true in my communications with strangers, the clerks and waiters and other people I meet only briefly. So, God and I are working hard on improving this part of my non-verbal communications skills. Maybe you need some help there, too.
When you talk to someone, do you have good strong eye contact? That is very important. And, of course, the human touch is another way to communicate non-verbally. Whenever it’s appropriate to touch someone—on the arm or a pat on the back—don’t hesitate to do it. You’ll be amazed at how you communicate so much better with a personal touch. You know, a handshake is also that human touch; make sure yours is a strong, firm handshake; otherwise, it sends a negative message.
Remember our verse from 2 Corinthians: We are taking pains to do what is right... Improving our communications skills will take pains and effort. It won’t just happen; you and I have to work at it all the time. There’s always something we can improve.
Now, once you see what needs changing, you have to keep at it. Don’t expect change to happen overnight. And remember, change doesn’t come easy for any of us. We get defensive about it and start rationalizing away our poor behavior. Some people use the excuse that “This is the way I am”, as if to change for the better will make them phony. No, not phony, just better. A person who refuses to change is a person who will get worse with time.
And the good news is, as Christians, we have the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives to help us make these changes. We can pray these skills into our lives and trust God to help us get better at communicating. I encourage you to ask God to show you where you need to improve your communications skills so that you can create a better impression for his glory. We’re not doing this to make ourselves look better, but in order to more fairly represent our Lord Jesus Christ. These are the little areas where people watch us carefully, and when they see and hear these differences, they know our faith is a reality which makes a difference.