The Perils of Perfectionism

You’ve heard me talk about the need to strive for excellence in everything we do and avoid living in mediocrity.  Well, that certainly is true, but there is a balance here we need to understand. I want to talk about the flip side of that mediocrity issue—the perils of perfectionism.

Do you have a tendency to expect perfection from yourself?  Well, if so, let me ask you a question:  Who do you think you are?  You say, “Mary, that’s not a nice question.”  Well, I mean it in a nice way.  Who do you think you are that you can expect yourself to be perfect?

Psalm 103:14 reminds us that “He (God) knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.”  These bodies we are in are not perfect and will never be perfect until we get that new body in heaven.  Meanwhile, God knows and understands the limits of our human abilities.  We’re created out of dust.  We’re susceptible to mistakes.

Jesus was aware of his disciples’ inability to be perfect.  Even at the time he needed them most, they failed him as he asked them to pray with him in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Do you remember what he said when he found them sleeping instead of praying?  “‘Could you not watch with me one hour?’ he asked Peter.  ‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the body is weak'” (Matthew 26:40-41).

In the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians, Paul reminds us that “we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears… Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 

Perfection hasn’t come for us yet; it’s something that a child of Christ can look forward to, but not in this human body on this sinful earth.

A balanced understanding of Scripture helps us to understand that trying to be perfect and perform without error or failure is a sure path to frustration, because we won’t be able to find perfection in ourselves or in others in this world.  And the reason is we are sinners by birth and by choice.  The sin factor has marred God’s perfect creation, and it afflicts all of us this side of heaven.

So, I repeat the question I asked you:  Who do you think you are?  Do you understand that you are human dust, and that expecting perfection of yourself is really a misunderstanding of who you are?

I’m coming to the place where I’m not shocked to see that I can’t be perfect.  The more I know God, the more I see how far short I fall of his perfection, so I am less surprised to discover that Mary Whelchel is a very imperfect creature.  I’m not pleased to discover that I fall short, but in knowing the holiness of God more and more, I have to be increasingly aware of the large gap between me and perfection!

There is a fine line we walk here, because I certainly don’t intend to imply that we should be satisfied with imperfection, nor should we take lightly any areas of sin in our lives.  The knowledge of our failures should certainly not be an occasion for celebration, but on the other hand, it shouldn’t wipe us out to discover that all of us fall short of the glory of God, of his perfection.  God surely understands that, and we should, too.

If you tend to be a perfectionist, it’s likely that you know in your head you cannot be perfect, but somehow in your daily life, you still feel a great need to live up to some standard of perfection which you have set for yourself. Ask yourself why you find it so necessary to try to be perfect.

Usually perfectionists are trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of them.  Often they had a parent who never was completely happy with what they accomplished or how they performed.  No matter what they did or how hard they tried, their mom or dad would find some fault in their work and show them how it could be done better.

Perhaps it’s a mate that is putting pressure on you to be perfect, or at least giving you that impression.  I get mail from women who are struggling to be the wife and mother their husband wants them to be, and finding they never seem to measure up to the standard set for them by their mate.

New environments will be particularly threatening to a perfectionist because they offer more possibilities of failure.  None of us rode bikes without falling many times and scraping our knees.  New skills and techniques are not usually acquired without failing before you succeed.  Therefore, a perfectionist may find himself or herself stalemating, staying in the same job where they can be more perfect, instead of reaching out to new experiences and enlarging their gifts and talents by trying new things.

Are you trying to win acceptance and approval by being perfect?  You know, you can’t do that with God.  The Bible clearly teaches us that we have to come to God with nothing in our hands, confessing our inability to live up to his standards of perfection, and accepting Jesus as our Savior.  When we do that, the righteousness of Jesus Christ is accredited to us, and because he is perfect and holy, we are seen as perfect in Christ, and therefore acceptable to God.  But without Jesus there’s no way we can meet God’s demand for holiness and perfection.

If God accepts you and loves you, even though in yourself you’re not perfect, can you not accept yourself in your imperfection?  Does it make any sense that you are unwilling to accept what God accepts?  You’re not perfect!  Welcome to the human race!  And the good news is you don’t have to be perfect to be accepted.

Wherever you got the idea that you have to be perfect, it has stolen your joy, and will continue to do so until you learn, by God’s grace, to overcome your obsessiveness with perfection.  Perfectionists put themselves under immense pressure and stress.  They tend to be nervous, workaholic types, who can never enjoy their achievements or success because they can never be perfect.

In her book Unrealistic Expectations, Barbra Minar writes: “The bottom line is that perfectionists live in fear—fear of being their real, imperfect selves.  Our Lord constantly tells us to ‘fear not.’  He is not asking us to be perfect but to be in relationship with him.  He wants us to embrace our humanness.  He wants us to release our unrealistic expectation of being perfect.  Only God is perfect.”

Are you living in fear of having to admit that you cannot be perfect?  We know that God never gives us a spirit of fear, so if that fear is consuming you, it is not from God.  True, God doesn’t want mediocre Christians, but neither is he waiting to drop the boom on us when we fail to measure up perfectly.  He knows that we are dust!  He created us and understands us completely.

Perhaps underneath your drive for perfection is that old serpent, pride.  Pride is often the hidden force behind our obsession to prove that we’re perfect.  What may masquerade as conscientiousness and hard work may indeed be motivated by pride.  We want to be able to say, “Look at me, I did it perfectly.”

I think of a woman who used to work for me who was a perfectionist.  She had to do everything just right, but in the process she made everyone else angry and defensive when she was around.  She was quick to tell others when they missed the high standards she set for herself, and caused some difficulty in relationships within the department.  Perfectionists are often as hard on others as they are on themselves, and that can make many problems in relating to people.

Perfectionism can take a toll on any relationship, and the closer that relationship is, the more toll it takes.  Marriage, for example, comes under heavy stress when one partner is a perfectionist.  You see, it’s difficult for a perfectionist to accept the humanness of others since they don’t really accept it in themselves.  And since perfectionists do demand a great deal of themselves, their level of performance may indeed be at a higher level than others.

Therefore, they have little tolerance for those who don’t strive for perfection as they do, and can even become condescending and judgmental in their attitude toward others.  If you scratch that surface, you’ll find pride underneath.

As Barbra Minar states in her book, the drive to be perfect can lead us to:

• dishonesty – because we have to lie and live hypocritically in order to be “nice” and keep everyone happy.
• illusion – because we have to stay in control to be perfect.
• denial – because we cannot let ourselves know we have made mistakes.
• defensiveness – because we cannot let others show us our mistakes.

One thing that endears us to others and helps us communicate is to openly admit and accept our own imperfections and allow others to have them as well.  I have learned in my own ministry that my listeners relate best to me and learn the most from me when I share my failings and my imperfections.  It’s really difficult to relate to someone who is obsessed with being perfect.  If you can bring that obsession under control, you’ll see improvements in your relationships, and you’ll see great improvements in your stress and frustration levels as well.

The great news is that, as children of God, we have perfection to look forward to.  This mortal is going to put on immortality someday, and we won’t have to put up with our shortcomings then.  I’m really looking forward to the perfection of our new bodies, when we’ll be in the presence of our perfect Lord and no longer have to struggle with this old nature of ours that keeps us from being perfect.

Meanwhile, it’s very important for all of us to relinquish to God our need to be perfect.  We can expect and find perfection in Jesus, but not in ourselves.  The perils of perfectionism are many, and if our enemy can’t trip us up by keeping us in perpetual mediocrity, he’ll take the other route and try to handicap us through perfectionism.