Part I –
The Bible says “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Ps.139:16). And there are many other passages that teach us that God orders our steps and has a plan for our lives. Nothing or no one comes into our lives without the permission of God. That doesn’t mean he always approves of how others have treated us; neither does it mean that it is his perfect will for everyone in our lives to be in our lives.
But it does mean that when we belong to him, life is not a string of coincidences or “happenstances.” Our lives are ordained by God, and every detail has been filtered through his knowledge and permission, if not his perfect will. And he intends to use everything and everyone in our lives for some good purpose.
I should define that by “in your life” I mean someone who has more than a casual or occasional acquaintance with you. I’m talking about people that affect your life in some kind of significant way.
I want to talk about the responsibility we have to the people who are in our lives. First, let’s talk about covenant relationships and contractual relationships. We all have both types of relationships, and we have different responsibilities toward them.
Covenant Relationships
Your covenant relationships are those where no one can take your place. You’re the only mother or father your children have; the only mate your wife or husband has; no one else can take your role as daughter or sister or son or brother. Those are covenant relationships, and obviously they are of utmost importance. Certainly they are not in your life by accident.
You may be thinking, “Yes, but I married the wrong person, so my husband or wife is not a covenant relationship.” No, even if you made a poor choice in a mate or didn’t wait for God’s choice, once you’ve married that person you have a covenant relationship. Remember the vows you took? They formed a covenant.
For the covenant relationships of our lives, we must be aware of our responsibility to fulfill our duties and promises to those people. If we don’t, it will leave a gaping hole in the lives of those people. It’s hard to replace a covenant relationship.
One word we hear a lot these days in connection with covenant relationships is “dysfunctional.” People often say “I came from a dysfunctional family,” or “My relationship with my mother is dysfunctional.” I’m sure that term has some legitimate use, but frankly I think we’ve about over-done it to the point that it has almost become a cliché. In fact it seems that some people feel it’s the in-thing to talk about their dysfunctional childhood or whatever.
You know, to some degree all of us are dysfunctional. We just don’t function the way God intends for us to; we don’t live up to our potential; we don’t behave the way we should; we don’t relate to others appropriately. That’s the story of mankind since sin entered the world in the Garden of Eden. Sin has warped and polluted all of us so that we are dysfunctional in many ways.
I think we need to be very cautious about shifting the blame to others or letting ourselves off the hook by focusing on the dysfunctional nature of some of our covenant relationships. I’m convinced if you looked long enough, you could describe any relationship as dysfunctional. The Bible teaches us to think about the good reports, not the bad ones. So, I want to encourage you not to be fixated on the dysfunctional part of your covenant relationships, but to look for the good reports—the good things in those relationships.
Now, don’t misunderstand: I’m not suggesting that you live in denial. But too much self-analysis and focus on the negative just makes anything seem much worse than it really is. It would seem that perhaps we have carried this idea of dysfunctional relationships to the extreme, and the pendulum needs to now swing back toward a more balanced view.
Do you have some covenant relationships that aren’t what they should be? Well, how do you deal with those relationships? You can choose to be bitter and angry about them; that’s what many people do. Or you can live your life in a perpetual pity party, feeling sorry for yourself that you’ve had such dysfunctional covenant relationships. Certainly many people do that. But all that does it to drag you down and cause you great harm.
However, God’s Word teaches us to forgive those who have wronged us. Have you forgiven that covenant person in your life who has caused you great pain and harm? If so, you’ve discovered the freedom that comes through forgiveness—freedom for you. You’ve probably also discovered that you have to forgive more than once—many times. But please, by God’s grace, forgive them so that God can forgive you and can work on your behalf. When you and I refuse to forgive, we keep God from being able to do anything for us, because he has said that we must forgive as we have been forgiven.
Ask God to teach you the truth that those covenant relationships are not in your life by accident. For example, your parents are not an accident. For me, that’s very easy to say because I had wonderful godly parents. How blessed I am. But because I have been so blessed, I am also doubly responsible. To whom much is given, much is required, so those of us who have had good relationships with our parents need to be aware that God expects us to show the fruit of that blessing.
Some of you, however, have had difficult relationships with your parents, some even abusive and evil. How can it be true that those parents were meant to be? My good friend tells of how she had to come to grips with the fact that her father was the father God chose for her, because he was not an easy father to live with. He was demanding, bombastic, controlling, and difficult to please, and even into her adult years, she harbored a good bit of resentment toward the way he had treated her.
One day as she was thinking about her father and feeling resentful, she was very conscious of God’s voice saying to her, “I chose your father just for you.” That was a totally new thought to her, and her response was, “Well, Lord, I’ve been mad at Daddy all these years for the way he treated me when I should have been angry at you.” In her honesty she simply verbalized what she felt—why would God choose a father for her that caused her such grief and pain?
But shortly thereafter she accepted her father because she knew that was what God required her to do. She certainly did not understand it completely, but she simply chose to believe that he was the right father for her. Now, that doesn’t mean that his behavior was right or the way he treated her was right. But she accepted that her father was not an accident, and God intended it for some good in her life.
As time went on she began to see so clearly how God had shaped her through her father, and how some of his traits that she had inherited were being used mightily by God. Without that particular father she would not have been who she is nor had the ability to minister to so many others as she has done through many years.
The secret, of course, was coming to the place of acceptance. That person in your life right now that is there not by your choice and is one you cannot avoid—whether it’s a parent or sibling or someone else—God has a plan to use that person to shape you beautifully.
Don’t you think Joseph must have wondered why God would have given him such cruel brothers? They rejected him, even planned to kill him. Because of his brothers, he was sold into slavery and spent years in a cruel prison. Certainly Joseph could have legitimately claimed he was from a dysfunctional family, and he had endured great pain and evil at their hands.
But because of their actions, Joseph found himself in Egypt where eventually his talents and expertise were recognized, he became second in command in the whole country, and was used by God to keep that nation and his own family alive through a very severe famine.
In the end Joseph was able to say that his cruel brothers had intended evil for him but God had turned it into good. His dysfunctional family became the instrument through which God worked a great good. I’m sure he would still have wished that his brothers had not done that to him; undoubtedly it was always a painful memory for him. But instead of living in a continual pity party, Joseph truly bloomed where he was planted and God turned his nightmare into a beautiful dream.
God can do that for you, too. Have you asked him to take that difficult covenant relationship and use it for his glory? It will take some faith on your part to accept that they are not in your life by accident, but faith pleases God. So, when he sees that you are willing to accept those covenant relationships as part of his plan for your life, then you have released his power to turn that painful relationship into a powerful tool for God.
Thankfully, we have many covenant relationships that are good ones. The danger here is that we start to neglect them and take them for granted, not really appreciating those people like we should. That’s easy to do.
Think of the precious covenant relationships in your life right now. It could be your mate, your child, a parent, a sibling, or some other extended family that has been very close to you. What could you do today to let one of those covenant people know how you feel about them? Here are some suggestions:
• Tell them how glad you are God put them in your life. For example, out of the clear blue tell your child how glad you are God gave him or her to you. If they’re smaller, they love to hear about the day they were born and how excited you were to have them in the family.
• Reaffirm your commitment to them. It might be a shock to your mate, but wouldn’t it be very nice for him or her to hear from you that the vows you took are just as important to you today as the first day you spoke them. Reaffirm your commitment to your marriage.
• Write a note expressing your appreciation for that covenant relationship. Whether they live close by or not, putting it in writing really means a lot to people. Have you ever thanked your parents in writing for all they’ve done for you? I guarantee you, they will treasure that letter.
• Do something special for a covenant relationship—unexpected for no reason at all, and just tell them again, “It’s just because I love you.”
No one is in your life by accident, and those covenant relationships should have the highest priority in our lives. Ask God to help you appreciate more the covenant people in your life.
