Part II
It’s true that because of our natural tendency to be attracted to the opposite sex, and because of the amount of time spent with coworkers on a daily basis, an attraction may very well occur on our jobs. Most of us have seen this happen or have experienced it ourselves. What does a Christian do when she or he feels an attraction to a coworker or senses a coworker is attracted to her or him?
The very first moment you have any inkling that this may be happening, ask yourself one critical question: Is either of you married? If the answer to that question is “yes,” your course of action is very simple and clear. It may not be easy, but it certainly is simple and uncomplicated.
Biblical principles leave no room for debate or discussion on this issue: The marriage vows are sacred and in no circumstance is there ever a justification for a married person to have a relationship with someone else. That means you cannot allow any intimate words or feelings or looks or innuendoes to be exchanged between you and this other person. That is it! Final! If it means changing jobs or asking to be transferred, do it. There is no middle ground for a true Christ-follower.
The answer is the same even if one of the people involved is experiencing a difficult marriage. Many times people tend to justify illegitimate relationships by rationalizing that one of them is in a very unhappy marriage. The condition of the marriage in no way changes the principle by which Christians should abide. As Christians we should do everything possible to help hurting marriages find healing. Allowing a relationship to develop with a person whose marriage is shaky will do just the opposite.
And let me warn you that these attractions can happen even to people who have good marriages, even to singles who aren’t looking for a relationship. We all are vulnerable to the chemistry of male/female relationships, and we must be on our guard at all times.
In today’s society such a position appears to be very drastic, legalistic, eccentric, and inflexible. But that’s because we have become so infiltrated with the world’s philosophy, that basic Christian principles now appear archaic, even to some Christians. Remember, God’s principles work. While they are ageless, they are not outdated; they are there for our benefit.
All of us could tell of people we know or perhaps our own experience where many lives have been harmed and ruined by disobeying this Christian principle. The thing we should remember is that these sinful relationships are rarely planned. They just happen when the people involved fail to see the warning signs and stop it in the early stages.
So, if you’re attracted to someone with whom you work, or he or she is attracted to you, and either of you is married, you don’t even need to pray about what you should do. When God’s Word gives a clear answer, there is no need to ask for special guidance. He will never lead us individually in a direction that is contrary to his written Word.
Let me also advise you to take drastic and definite action. Don’t play “around the edges;” if you do, you’re truly playing with fire. If you think you can have long talks, quiet lunches, or innocent encounters without ever allowing it out of bounds, you don’t understand chemistry too well or you have too much confidence in yourself.
Don’t be fooled by rationalizing that you are just being a good friend. Many times illegitimate relationships begin because one of those involved is a good listener. How many times have I heard a woman say, “He didn’t have anyone else he could talk with. I was the only friend he had, and I just couldn’t be unkind to him.”
If he needs help and counseling, you are the wrong person to give it. That excuse just will not hold water. There is no good reason for you to ever allow a wrong relationship to develop.
And keep this in mind: Even if the relationship does not become a physical one, it still can be harmful and wrong if it causes an emotional closeness that robs a marriage of intimacy. Some people find their needs met for companionship and understanding in a coworker, and then exert no effort and find no need to develop that kind of closeness with their marriage partner. It’s another form of an affair.
Jesus said: “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet, to be cast into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than having two eyes, and to be cast into the fiery hell” (Matthew 18: 8-9).
As Christians we should be very fearful of allowing ourselves to get into a tempting situation when we know the risks and dangers involved. Therefore, be prepared to take drastic action if necessary. God will honor you for that and will be able to bless you.
But suppose you are single and so is he or she. Then what do you do when you’re attracted to someone with whom you work? Assuming that he or she is a Christian, because you would not ever want to be seriously interested in someone who was not, you need to think through very carefully the potential dangers of having a relationship with a coworker.
Common sense tells us that such a relationship can cause complications. It tends to distract you from your job, and other coworkers may resent it if they feel it is affecting your work or their workload. It is almost impossible to keep these relationships quiet; usually everyone is aware. You may think no one knows, but that is rarely the case. Certainly, if one of you is in management and the other is not, you will be exposing yourself to widespread criticism.
If it appears that this relationship may be going somewhere, it might be good for one of you to change jobs or departments. You’ll be able to work in a more relaxed fashion, do a better job and enjoy your relationship with more freedom.
Now, let me talk a little about a topic that is still an issue: sexual harassment on the job. Recently someone told me how she and her female coworkers endured many years of sexual harassment from the top man in their organization. He continually made sexual remarks to them, asked them for sexual favors, threatened their jobs or promotions or raises if they did not cooperate, or if they reported him.
And he was such a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that others found it difficult to believe he could be that way. He chose the women he harassed carefully, making sure he had plenty of leverage and power over them, while at the same time never harassing others, so that they would always deny the allegations against him.
Only recently were they able to take any action, when their organization formed a committee for grievances. These women, after years of enduring his harassment, sought some legal advice and threatened a class action against the company. As a result, he was quietly urged to resign, which he did.
She shared with me the pain and stress of those years she worked for him, and the turmoil she went through in deciding whether to be a part of the action against him. She wondered if that was the thing a Christian should do; it went against her nature to take such legal action against another person. But I assured her she had done exactly the right thing.
I truly believe that it is not only our right but our responsibility to expose real sexual harassment, so that other women can be spared the horror. Otherwise, by doing nothing, we can allow it to perpetuate. When we confront and accuse for the good of others, as well as ourselves, we are usually on good scriptural ground. Jesus certainly took strong action and had strong words of condemnation for those who were doing wrong in his day, but never out of strictly self-interest or revenge.
I know this is not easy for women to do, because you can risk your career and your reputation. You need counsel and great wisdom. But you also need courage to do the right thing.
Now, I also have some compassion for men who feel the climate is so sensitive, that anything they say or do could be misinterpreted by a woman who is looking for something to jump on. These pendulums do tend to swing in violent directions; balance is a rare commodity.
But you know, if our conversations are circumspect, if we say and do only things that we would say and do if Jesus were right there with us, we won’t have to worry about false accusations. I would say to the men who have that concern, “Just treat the women you work with the way Jesus would treat them, and you can put your mind at rest.”
Jesus many times made it a point to break traditional laws concerning how women should be treated in his day. By his actions we can be assured that he did not approve of prejudicial attitudes toward women. He talked to women in public, he allowed them to be a part of his traveling entourage and to support his ministry, and he showed them great respect, all of which broke the Jewish traditions.
I am certain he would never approve of some of the prejudicial attitudes I have seen among men today, even some Christian men. I think all of us need to pray a lot about any prejudicial attitudes we may have.
If you’re in the workplace on a regular basis, you’re bound to run into some of these predicaments that arise from male/female relationships. But if we approach this part of our business lives with a commitment to uphold the name of Jesus Christ, and to make certain that nothing in our lives brings dishonor to him, we will have the appropriate attitude, and he will give us guidance as we work our way through what can often be “touchy” situations.