Part I
The book of Genesis explains to us that it was God’s plan to create two sexes, male and female, both created equally in his image, both finding the other attractive, both needing each other, and different in many ways from each other. It was a good plan and it’s still good today, one that has brought a great deal of joy, happiness and fulfillment into our lives, for both women and men.
True, the plan has been misused and abused through the ages, and the relationship between men and women certainly has caused many problems and heartaches. But that results from our lack of understanding of each other, and our unwillingness to allow these relationships to be controlled by God’s principles.
Often we have close working relationships with the opposite sex, spending many hours each day working together, physically near each other, and communicating frequently. And sometimes we are not aware of the dynamics of these male/female relationships; many of us are in unfamiliar territory. I remember when I began my career as a sales representative for IBM. I was the only female sales rep in my office at first, and I can still see that large office, jammed with desks to accommodate about 40 sales people, and there I was in the middle, surrounded by men on every side.
Sounds like a dream come true for a single woman, you say? Well, while I certainly enjoyed the attention that my unique situation afforded me, I discovered quite quickly that I was not prepared to deal with the many diverse complications that arose from the male/female aspect of it.
Having made some mistakes in this area of my business life, I think it is important to address this subject very directly and candidly, because many of you are struggling with male/female relationships on the job.
Let me begin by talking about the friendships that can develop between male and female coworkers. It’s inevitable that we will find some coworkers of the opposite sex with whom we share many experiences, whom we respect and enjoy, and a friendship develops. I can think of several men I’ve worked with whom I consider good friends, even years later. Friendships are good things, and I’m always grateful for a friend, wherever I find them.
However, we must put up the caution flag and beware of the pitfalls that we can fall into with any friend of the opposite sex. As single women, most of our male coworker friends are married. That should send up a flag that says it is our responsibility to make certain that their wives are comfortable with our friendship with their husbands, and they understand the nature of our relationships.
I made it a practice, as these friendships developed, to became very good friends with their wives and families. They were invited to my home, and I to theirs. I made certain that they were not concerned in any way about my working relationship with their husbands. Had I sensed that it bothered them in any way, I would have backed away from that relationship, even though their concerns would have been totally unfounded.
A young man once asked my opinion about having a business luncheon with a woman alone, and he went on to explain that this seemed to bother his new wife. My advice was that if it bothered her, regardless of how innocent or how convenient that business lunch might be, he should do everything possible to schedule those meetings in the office rather than at lunch. I think he should do everything he can to allay his wife’s concern, even though they may be unfounded.
Some might say we should never have a business lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex, but I honestly don’t see this as a black and white situation. The business lunch has become a way of life and it can be a convenient way to conduct business. In itself there is nothing immoral or questionable about it.
But each situation is different and requires wisdom and insight on our part. I think the rule of thumb should be, if in doubt, don’t. Or if it bothers your conscience, don’t. We know from Romans 14 that there are some disputable matters where sincere Christians will have differing convictions; the important thing for us is not to condemn others, but to be certain we follow what we believe is right for us to do.
A suggestion is to bring a third party along. That’s usually possible to do, and that solves the question of how it might look to others. Because most of my peers while working in corporate America were men, if I went to lunch with my friends, I usually went to lunch with men. But rarely was it alone.
Now, let me address another issue with male/female relationships in the workplace, and that is women in management with men reporting to them. This is fairly common now, but it still can present problems for these women managers in knowing just how to relate to their subordinates, and for the men who often have to adjust their mindsets and attitudes toward women in authority.
I’ve encountered many who are struggling with a very basic question in this regard, and that is: Should a Christian woman hold a position of leadership over men? As I look at Scripture, I can find no directive that would prohibit women from holding management positions in business.
To the contrary, I can think of many women within Scripture who did hold leadership positions over men. Deborah was a judge over her nation, and she led an army of men into battle (Judges 3 and 4). The Proverbs Woman (Proverbs 31) had both a manufacturing and a real estate business, which easily could have put her in a position of directing male subordinates. We know she managed her household of many servants, and presumably that would include male servants.
Lydia was a seller of purple (Acts 16), which was a most prestigious position. She must have interacted with men and directed them at times. We know she had a large household under her management, and this household would most likely have included men. And Priscilla was one of the two instructors at the first Bible school, as she and her husband taught Apollos about Jesus Christ.
So, I believe a Christian woman is free to hold management positions with male subordinates, if she has the desire and the opportunity. However, we need to be aware of some common pitfalls. In wanting to make it clear that they are qualified for their positions, many female managers overreact by trying to be too assertive and working too hard at establishing their authority. Some women are a little insecure in these roles, and it is easy to overcompensate by being too rigid and demanding.
On the other hand, some women bend over too far backward to keep from intimidating male subordinates and to avoid coming on too strong, and this can cause us to be weak managers who lack proper control.
Our challenge is to find that natural, happy medium that allows us to manage effectively in our own style, treat everyone fairly and equally, and not allow ourselves to be intimidated by the male/female aspects of management.
It is true that there are sometimes double standards concerning acceptable behavior for women and men in leadership roles. A woman manager who does her job well may be viewed by some as being a “pushy broad,” whereas male managers who demonstrate the same style of leadership and assertiveness are considered “up and coming” and admired.
I know how irritating that is, but I want to encourage you, if you’re in that kind of situation, not to react to people’s prejudices. I think the smartest thing we can do, as well as the kindest thing, is to rise above their attitudes, and focus on doing our job well, managing effectively, and trusting the consequences to the Lord. It’s a fine line we walk between not being intimidated by the prejudices of others and not becoming militant or vindictive, but I believe, with God’s help, we can do it.
As a female manager, you may encounter male subordinates who resent you. This is certainly an appropriate time to ask for special wisdom from God, as he has promised us in James 1:5. In fact, this is a situation that should cause you to pray a lot more. That’s where you’ll find answers. Any kind of management or leadership position comes with its own set of mine fields, and as Christians, it is only in prayer and seeking God’s wisdom that we can walk through those mine fields without harm.
A verse that God has again and again brought to my attention in these difficult situations is Proverbs 16:21: “Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” Find ways to make your directions and your ideas easy to handle. It won’t diminish your stature, as a female manager, to do your best to ease the tension for the men you manage. And it will increase your persuasiveness.
I have found that praying specifically for the people who are giving me the most trouble is the smartest thing I can do. Asking God to help me understand them; praying daily that I’ll be able to care about them and do the right thing for them. When I do that, without fail my attitude changes and I find the relationships start to improve.
Instead of getting angry at them or vindictive, ask God to give you compassion and tolerance. It is a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate the difference that Jesus Christ makes in our lives.
Difficult relationships are often God’s way of helping us to grow in faith and learn to trust Jesus more. If you will pray daily about those sensitive male/female relationships on your job, I can assure you God will give you guidance and wisdom. And when they see that you do not behave in a defensive, aggressive manner, but rather with patience and gentleness, they will be at a loss to explain it. It may well give you an opportunity to “give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence,” as we read in 1 Peter 3:15.