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Do you have people in your life that you really don’t like? Maybe you work with some of them. How can we love people we don’t really like? And yes, even Christians have people in their lives they do not like. I know of no scriptural directive which commands us to like everyone. But I know many verses that tell us to love other people. Here are just a few:
1 John 4:21: “And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”
1 John 4:8: “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
Jesus said: “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them…But love your enemies…” (Luke 6:32 & 35a).
Leviticus 19:18b: “But love your neighbor as yourself.”
In fact, Jesus said there are two great and primary commandments and simply put, they are: Love God and love people. In fact, Jesus said that all the commandments hang on these two commandments—they are foundational to our faith.
Easy to say—right? Love God, love people—but when you run into unlikable people, you feel like you’ve hit the spiritual brick wall. Since we cannot like them, we usually conclude that we cannot love them either. Isn’t it true that we just naturally think you have to like someone before you can love them? Like is the first step—the beginning of love. So how can you love someone you don’t like?
Part of the problem is that love has different definitions and we sometimes get them confused. In the Bible we find three types of love in the original language. The first is Philos, which is the love we have toward friends, family and others in our lives. Philos love is what Paul describes in Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
Then there is Eros love, which is a more physical form of love. It’s the kind of love shared between a husband and wife, hopefully accompanied by Philos love as well.
Then there is Agape love, which is the unconditional love that God has for you and me. Nothing you do can change how God loves you. Ephesians 2:4-5 describes this Agape love:
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
This is love which loves because its own inherent nature is to love. That’s why the Bible says, “God is love.” Love is his nature.
The kind of love that we need in order to love people we don’t like is agape love. Now, agape love is not a feeling. We can love with agape love whether the feelings are present or absent, whether they are good or bad, whether this love is reciprocated or not. It is not a feeling.
Agape love is an action. That’s how it’s always described in scripture. The Bible tells us that we know that God loves us because he sent his Son into the world to redeem us. We know that Jesus loves us because he gave his life for us. The Bible says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man give his life for a friend.” And God says that he will know that we love him if we keep his commandments.
God’s kind of love is an action, not a feeling. Now, that really is good news, because it means that we can love people toward whom we do not necessarily have good feelings. You can love people toward whom you have no feelings at all. Since love is an action, you can obey God’s command to love everyone.
First Corinthians 13 is a good place to look for a practical description of love. A few of these are:
Patience: When you act with patience toward someone, you are loving them. Keep in mind that love is not a feeling, so we don’t have to feel patient. Can you remember acting with patience even when you did not feel patient? That is agape love.
Kindness: When you feel like saying something sarcastic or cutting or angry, but instead you say something kind, that is a love action.
Not Jealous: When you refuse to behave jealously or possessively, you are showing love.
Has Good Manners: Just plain courtesy is a love action. How often we forget good manners, like not interrupting others when they’re talking, letting others go ahead of us, etc. Those are love actions.
Unselfish: Agape love acts in an unselfish manner, without pursuing selfish advantage or trampling over others in trying to get where you want to get. Remember, you don’t have to feel unselfish, you only have to act unselfish.
Endurance: When other people have given up and left, agape love will still be there, hanging in with someone. It will endure all things. It will keep listening to someone, even when you think you cannot listen to another word from that person.
These are just a few of the many love actions available to us. Others include gentleness, compassion, tolerance, etc.
You know, God’s love to us is not based on how he feels about us. He may be, and I’m sure often is, very displeased with us as individuals, yet his love and his goodness toward us are constant. Therefore, he does not require us to have good feelings toward everyone, but rather to act in love toward everyone.
Write it on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror, your desk, over your sink, put it on your screen saver—wherever you will see it often: Love is not a feeling; love is an action!
You don’t have to like someone to love them. Webster defines like as to “feel an attraction, tenderness or affection for” someone. We say “I like you because…” – and we list the things we like about the person.
To love someone we don’t particularly like, we have to be willing to say “I love you in spite of…” in spite of the things about you that I may not like. You don’t have to feel guilty about not liking everyone.
I’m sure there were people Jesus did not like. Ever read what he said to the religious hypocrites of his day? He said they were of their father, the devil. He called them whited sepulchers. Pretty direct. I don’t think he liked them very much at all.
But I know he loved them, because he was willing to die for them. Love is not a feeling, love is an action. So, this is our responsibility: to love others, whether we like them or not. And what is love? Love is an action.
Paul said in his letter to the Romans that the Holy Spirit, who was given to us, has poured out the love of God within our hearts (Romans 5:5). Think about God’s love for you. John wrote:
“To us, the greatest demonstration of God’s love for us has been his sending his only Son into the world to give us life through him. We see real love, not in the fact that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to make personal atonement for our sins” (1John 4:9-10, J.B. Phillips translation).
And remember, God loves those people you don’t like just as much as he loves you. Remember how he loves you, even when you’re not very lovable. That’s the beginning of learning how to love other people.
A prerequisite to developing love actions toward those unlikable people in your life is to pray for them. Sincerely, regularly pray for their welfare. As much as you know about them, pray in detail for them. Ask God to show you what love actions to take toward them. And pray for them. . . a lot! Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies, and those who despitefully use us.
Then, as you think about each of these people you don’t like, decide which love actions would be appropriate for each one. Does one require a lot of patience? Does one require compassion or endurance? Then set your will to act with those love actions toward those people.
A good friend shared how God put her in a job with people she just didn’t like very much. So, she applied for a promotion, looking forward to moving away from those people. The selection process narrowed down to her and one other person, but she didn’t get the job. At first, she was angry at not being selected, until she realized that God had left her in that job in order to teach her to love those people she didn’t like.
So she began what she called “Project Love,” and she looked for ways to develop relationships with those unlikable people. Her method was to invite them to have lunch with her, her treat. And she began to build bridges to these people and develop relationships with them. Of course, in doing that, she discovered they had burdens and problems, and they discovered that she was a caring person. A few months later she got that promotion she wanted, but she still kept in touch with those unlikable people that she had purposed to love. Several of them have turned to her for help in troubled times. In fact, one now considers her a very close friend, and this is the woman who was most rude and unkind to her before.
What a good idea—Project Love. Maybe you could use her method, and start to find ways to reach out to those unlikable people with the love of Jesus Christ that is within you. Remember, this kind of love is not necessarily a feeling. It is the unconditional love like God gives you and then empowers you to give it to others. What miracles we could see if we’d be willing to love some people we don’t like so very much.
How can you be sure that love isn’t a feeling? Well, God commands you to love, and since feelings can’t be commanded, love can’t be a feeling. I can’t order you to be happy right now because feelings cannot be commanded. But I could command you to sit down, or stand still, or walk over here, and you could easily do it because those are actions you can do regardless of your feelings. So, when God tells us we are to love others, he isn’t talking about trying to conjure up some fake feelings toward someone we don’t particularly like. Rather he is talking about how you treat people, what you do for them, how you respond to them. That’s because with God, love is an action, not necessarily a feeling.
We have designed a nice sign – “Love is an action” with 1 John 4:21: “And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.” You’ll find it here. Please print it out and put it in places where you’ll see it often. Or let us know if you’d like us to mail this sign to you—this reminder to help you love people—even those you don’t particularly like.
