Do You React or Respond?

PROGRAM W-1764

When the doctor taps your knee with the mallet to test your reflexes, your leg automatically swings, doesn’t it? That’s a reaction. It’s an involuntary, uncontrolled action resulting from external stimuli of some sort. When you answer an email or a text, editing it for errors and choosing your words carefully, that’s a response. It’s carefully thought through, controlled, and intentional. I want to talk about reacting versus responding because I think that many times we are in react mode when we should be in respond mode.

Let me give you an example of reacting versus responding. Suppose you have a co-worker who is very negative, and every time he or she opens his or her mouth, it seems that bad news comes out. This person never has anything nice to say about anyone or anything, and all day long you are forced to listen to his or her negative chatter.

What does this negative person do to you? If you’re in react mode, this person makes you angry, irritated, and frustrated. Having to listen to all that negative talk starts to make you think and talk negatively. That’s a reaction. It’s your automatic involuntary behavior which is caused by that external stimuli—a negative coworker.

Now, instead of allowing that person to have a detrimental effect on you and your behavior, you can decide to respond instead of react. A response might be a smile when he or she says something negative to you. Or you may say something positive in response to their negative words. That positive response will help to keep you from being irritated and frustrated, and it will offset their negative input by your positive one, which will keep you from getting negative like your co-worker. Another response to this negative co-worker might be that you simply remove yourself from his or her company when you can, to avoid being exposed to that negativity.

You can see that a response takes some self-control and discipline on your part. First, you must be aware of the fact that you have a tendency to react poorly to this negative person, and then you must have an alternate strategy that guides your response so that you don’t react.

One of my favorite stories about Jesus is the time when they asked him to prove by what authority he was doing his miracles. You’ll find the story in Mark 11. “The chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders came to him. ‘By what authority are you doing these things?’ they asked. ‘And who gave you authority to do this?’” (Mark 11:27-28).

Consider what a reaction might have been. Jesus could have torn them apart piece by piece with words, had he so chosen. How dare they question his authority? How dare they ask for proof? Who were they to demand such from the Son of God? Everything Jesus had done was to help people and to deliver them from sin and sickness—yet they would be so arrogant as to ask where he got his authority? He could have argued with them. He could have played one-ups-man with them. He could have waged a war with words.

But notice how Jesus responds:

“I will ask you one question. Answer me, and I will tell you by what authority I am doing these things. John’s baptism—was it from heaven, or of human origin? Tell me!”

They discussed it among themselves and said, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will ask, ‘Then why didn’t you believe him?’  But if we say, ‘Of human origin’….” (They feared the people, for everyone held that John really was a prophet.)

So they answered Jesus, “We don’t know.”

Jesus said, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.” (Mark 11:29-33)

Isn’t that an incredible response? Don’t you love it?! Jesus refused to be pulled into playing their petty games, he did not allow them to bring him down to their level, and in a thoughtful response to their stupid accusation, he pinned them against the wall—but in such a way that they couldn’t even argue with him. Masterful, wouldn’t you agree?

One thing we need to learn about our reactions and our responses is that frequently we must get beyond the reaction to the response. In other words, the inappropriate reaction just happens—involuntarily, before we can stop it. But we can learn to get past the reaction, and not allow the reaction to control our behavior.

How do you feel when someone gives you a criticism? Even if it’s done in a nice way, it’s easy to react defensively, isn’t it? I remember when I was speaking at a weekend retreat, someone sent me a written note with a suggestion that something I was doing was not the best way to do it. It was a criticism, nicely written and phrased, but nonetheless, a direct hit at me.

Let me tell you how I reacted. I sat there and thought, “Who does she think she is? She ought to try to get up here and do this. It’s not as easy as it looks. You know, who needs this after all. I don’t need this grief; I’m doing the best job I can and nobody appreciates it!” That was my reaction. It all happened in my mind.

But I sat there a few minutes and re-read the note, gave my emotions a little time to calm down, and said to myself, ‘She’s absolutely right! She has seen something that you couldn’t see and this is a good suggestion. Stop reacting and respond. Take her advice and improve.” And that’s what I finally did. I now use her suggestion wherever I speak because it’s a very good idea—much better than the way I was doing it before. But in that moment, I sure had to work at getting beyond the reaction before I could respond correctly. Otherwise the first reaction I had would have caused poor behavior on my part, as well as continued to make me feel bad.

Don’t be surprised to discover that sometimes those first involuntary reactions are not what they should be. The anger flashes through your body, your feelings are hurt, the disappointments make you sad, and the rejections cause you to want to strike back. Those are human reactions, common to all of us. The problem begins when you allow those reactions to control your behavior, when you haven’t learned enough self-discipline to be able to wait through the reaction and decide how best to respond.

How can you learn to respond instead of react? Well, you can’t learn it on the spur of the moment; it needs to be built into your character and into your mind. The more you get into God’s Word, the more you spend time with the Lord each day in fellowship and prayer, the more prepared you will be to respond. You must build those spiritual muscles so they are there for you when you need them.

In Colossians 3 we are told to put on the fruits of the Spirit. I have often encouraged people to practice that daily—to mentally dress the inner person with gentleness, kindness, joy, love, thankfulness, patience, tolerance, and peace. In fact, I’ve written a Bible study on this topic—called The Well Dressed Christian—to show you some practical ways to make this an everyday reality in your life. I believe if each of us consciously dressed that inner person each day before we left home, we’d be far better prepared to respond rather than react. This is something I still practice on a regular basis. I pray on those inner garments in the morning, and it helps me remember all day long to allow the Holy Spirit to control my reactions and responses. I encourage you to use it for yourself.

A friend in my Sunday class recently told how she has been praying that God would control her words and help her to hold her tongue—not an easy thing to do! After praying that one day, a woman came into her shop and started talking. She wanted to interrupt—to tell her she didn’t have time to listen, and to try to get control of the conversation—but the Spirit of God in her kept saying “Just listen.” So she did. Finally, the woman left. However, later that customer wrote an evaluation of her experience, saying that my friend, Cheryl, had helped her so much and she had many words of praise for her. All Cheryl did was let the Holy Spirit control her tongue so she could respond rather than react. My friend, the Holy Spirit has power to do in you what you can never do yourself—if you’ll just ask him each day to help you respond rather than react.

Then we need to learn to practice those quick emergency prayers throughout our day. When you feel your reaction level starting to rise, when you sense your emotions are starting to take over, when you know that you’re not exactly in control of your reactions, send up a quick prayer. “Lord, please help me here. This is a tough one for me. I want to respond rather than react, but I need your help.”

I have a suggestion for you to help you prepare for those typical situations that tend to cause an inappropriate reaction from you. First, make a list of people who get to you easily and cause you to say or do something in a reactionary mode. It might be certain situations that are stressful for you in which you find it difficult to control your reactions. Criticism would undoubtedly be on most of our lists, along with fatigue and exhaustion. Be as specific as you can when you make your list.

Then, start praying about that list. Call them—by name—to the Lord and ask him to give you the advance warning you need and the grace and strength to respond rather than react.

Then, think about what would be an appropriate response rather than a reaction. Write the response beside the reaction. Now you have an alternate strategy in your mind, prayed in on a regular basis, so that when this happens to you again, you’re far more likely to respond rather than react!

For instance, an alternate strategy for that person who is negative is to say something positive to them each time. An alternate strategy for the person who is very critical is to thank them and tell them you’ll consider the suggestion. I guarantee you, if you’ll start focusing on responding rather than reacting, you’re going to see some marked improvements in your life, in your relationships, in your stress levels, in your job performance, and in your attitude.

Here are some verses to help you remember to respond rather than react. It would be a good idea to memorize them:

To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Remember to listen well before you respond.

Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

Avoid the tendency to pay back wrong for wrong. That’s a reaction. A response would be to be kind to everyone—even those who are not kind to us. If we practice this principle, certainly it will mean that we are responding rather than reacting.

Can you imagine the impact we would have in our workplace if, as Christians, we were responding more than reacting? Don’t you think that to be truly conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, we need to ask God to help us become responders, to give us the grace and strength to get past our reactions and respond in a biblical way? I know I want to be that kind of person, and I’m sure you do, too.