Part I
Have you had any “crucial conversations” lately? Thankfully we don’t have crucial conversations every day, but we have them, and if we’re not prepared for them, they can be disastrous. A crucial conversation can be defined as one where the stakes are high, emotions run strong, there are different opinions, and the outcome will have a significant impact.
They may be sudden, unexpected conversations, or one that has been bubbling up for a long time. Crucial conversations are a part of life, whether they are in the business world, in our families, in our church, with friends, whatever. These are the conversations that can change a relationship for better or worse.
It was important to learn about these types of crucial conversations because quite honestly, people who get things done and are effective are those who know how to handle them. As Christ-followers we should always speak the truth in love, and that just means you hold these crucial conversations for the purpose of righting a wrong, and also helping another person understand where change is needed. You speak the truth with the right motivation.
Every crucial conversation needs to be surrounded with prayer. If you know in advance that such a conversation will occur, obviously you have time to pray specifically about it. If not, that’s when you send up emergency prayers for that conversation.
So, step one, as always, is to give this crucial conversation prayer time. We have such a wonderful advantage as believers in Christ, because we have the power of prayer. If you will pray in advance, asking for wisdom, making certain your motivation is one of helping not blaming or condemning, asking God to help you see this person as he does, it will make a huge difference in how you handle that conversation.
I truly hope you’ve learned to pray about every situation you face on your job. Too often we segregate our work world from our spiritual life, and just try to take care of everything on our own. But when we do, we miss the great advantage that is ours because we belong to Jesus. So, if you’re facing a crucial conversation, spend time praying about it. Believe me, that will give you the confidence and insight you need for that conversation.
Here’s an example of a crucial conversation on your job: Imagine you are a manager, and you have an employee who is not being truthful with you. Records are lost, money is missing, reports are doctored—and now you must have a crucial conversation with this employee about these issues. The stakes are high—the employee could be fired—and you are already feeling the emotions of such a conversation in advance. How do you handle this crucial conversation?
Consider first that it is best not to cause the other person to become defensive, or to simply shut down and refuse to share, if you can avoid it. Even if you have proof that they are guilty, a finger-pointing approach doesn’t work. In our hypothetical case, you might begin: “If the information I have is correct, it seems that your reports are not factually accurate and it appears that the use of funds has not been according to company policy. Can you shed any light on these?”
Think of what you really want to achieve through this crucial conversation. Do you want the relationship to survive? Do you want this person to learn from these mistakes and move forward? If your goal is to not only confront wrong-doing but to correct it and move forward, then think of how you need to approach this person in order to achieve those results.
In a recent conversation about a church situation where a staff person had to be confronted about wrong behavior, the question was asked, “Did you try to restore that person?” In this case, the position had to be relinquished because of the nature of the offense, but was anyone trying to help restore this person spiritually?
Unfortunately, the answer was no. The goal was to ask for his resignation, with little or no thought given to restoration. This conversation could have had a better outcome if the goal of the conversation had been more than just requesting a resignation, but also trying to restore that person to a right relationship with God.
Galatians 6:1 reminds us:
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
That’s a good guideline for determining our purpose for a crucial conversation. Now, let’s look at how we deal with strong emotions in a crucial conversation. If you’re like me, you probably have difficulty controlling your emotions when you’re in these situations. Crucial conversations are almost always highly charged emotionally. They are about issues that are sensitive; they usually are bringing to light some wrong behavior or mistake that is not easy to talk about. And they can cause all kinds of emotional responses.
In this hypothetical situation of an employee who has proven to be dishonest in several areas, it’s like catching your kid with his hand in the cookie jar—the proof is irrefutable but they still try to avoid the consequences. So, how can this crucial conversation move forward to an effective conclusion when you or the other person is angry, scared or hurt?
Someone has said, “When it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.” If both people in this crucial conversation fall hostage to their emotions, a good result will be more difficult. It’s super important that if you are initiating a crucial conversation—as is the case in this example—you need to approach it with your emotions under control. You need to be mentally prepared for the fact that the other person’s emotions will probably not be under control. That shouldn’t surprise you.
This is why I said at the beginning that prayer is your resource in these crucial conversations. If you will pray in advance, asking God to give you self-control, to guard your tongue, to keep you from reacting negatively, then you will have the power to keep from becoming a hostage to your emotions.
So, pray that God will give you emotional control. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel emotion, but rather that your words, your tone of voice, your body language, and your reaction will not come from a place of anger or frustration.
Slowing down and taking some deep breaths gives you time to settle your emotions a bit. Keep putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to empathize with where they are coming from. Those simple techniques will help you not to let your emotions control you. This doesn’t mean that you back down from confronting the truth of the situation, but that you do so with the right motivation and appropriate words.
This verse from Psalm 37 is relevant to these crucial conversations:
The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom, and their tongues speak what is just.
That’s a very good prayer when you know you will be having an emotional conversation—that God will enable you to utter wisdom and speak only what is just. Sometimes I think that I’m just beginning to understand how important it is to have wisdom—to be wise in my use of words, in my decisions, in my attitudes. Wisdom is essential for emotional and spiritual maturity. And God’s wisdom is essential for us in these crucial conversations.
The book of Proverbs is full of advice about wisdom. In Chapter 4, verses 6 and 7 tell us:
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Just think about that—get wisdom and understanding even if it cost all you have! That’s putting a very high priority on wisdom, is it not? But wisdom—God’s wisdom based on biblical principles—will protect you and watch over you. You’ve got to love wisdom.
What does that look like in our everyday lives? Well, it means you look for wisdom—first and foremost from God. In the book of James we’re told to ask for wisdom and God will give it to us, so that is the beginning of wisdom. But it also means you get wisdom from people who are wise and who offer godly help and experience. It means you read and research and think about issues and situations and do the best you can to learn from others. You’ve got to love wisdom in order to be wise—to want it no matter what it costs.
No doubt you’ve heard this saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I can tell you that words can hurt, and sometimes they hurt worse than physical blows. In crucial conversations the words we choose have a lot to do with whether that crucial conversation ends well or not.
Here’s another verse from Proverbs 21 that gives good advice for crucial conversations:
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.
In crucial conversations, more than any other types of communication, words are critical. So guard your words carefully. Less is definitely more in these situations. Another Proverb reminds us that when words are many, sin is not absent. This is a time to keep your words down to the minimum, because truly, the more you talk, the more likely you will say something you regret.
Obviously, the hope and goal of a crucial conversation is that we can reach a helpful and just conclusion, and the matter—whatever it is—can be resolved. Wouldn’t it be nice if it always worked out that way? But we know it doesn’t always work out like that, so let’s suppose you’ve really tried to address a crucial situation, you’ve done everything you can to be fair and understanding, and in spite of all your efforts, the other person is simply not willing to listen to reason, refuses to change, and/or tries to shift the blame back on you?
Well, if we go back to the hypothetical example I gave of confronting an employee with proof of dishonesty and disobeying company policy, you have to be prepared in advance to take your next steps. It’s not unlikely that such a person would try to deny the facts or shift the blame to you or someone else.
I remember a crucial conversation when I confronted a new employee with her lack of productivity and wasting time with personal issues, and she simply turned the tables on me saying it was my fault. She didn’t deny the obvious but she just blamed me for her poor work habits.
I was shocked by her response. I’d just never thought that anyone could shift the blame so blatantly and so obviously without reason. But you know, I think she had convinced herself that it wasn’t her fault—that was how she was able to live with herself. I wasn’t prepared for that reaction and wasn’t sure what my next steps should be. I had to get wisdom!
So, in such a crucial conversation where you have to take action, you need to think through what your next step will be depending on how they respond. If they are repentant and ask for another chance, are you willing to do that? Is that the right thing to do for the good of the organization? This is why wisdom is so important and why you need to get wisdom for such situations before they occur, if possible.