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PROGRAM D-7341
They say there are two sides to every story, and when it comes to relationships and relationship struggles, there are definitely two sides. We can sit in one of two seats, either in the seat of the offended or the seat of the offender.
I think you will agree that all of us have been in both of those seats; we have offended others, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, and we have certainly been offended. But neither place is a good place to be; a mature Christian who desires to grow up in Christ doesn’t want to spend any time at all in either place—either as the offended or the offender.
Let’s look first at the offender. Offending others can either be intentional or unintentional. What would cause us to intentionally try to hurt someone? The first thing that comes to my mind is that we strike back at someone who has hurt us. We’ve been hurt, so we hurt back. This comes in big ways and small ways. For example, someone may have said one sentence to you today that hurt your feelings, and before you know it, you reacted with a stinger of your own. That’s an offensive response to a small offense. The thing is, that can easily escalate to a long-term, hurtful cycle of offenses that each person inflicts on the other.
There are many marriages, as well as other close relationships, that have been in a cycle like this for years, where one small offense generates another in return, and that has become the norm for that relationship—each person offends because she or he has been offended, and on it goes. What is needed is for one person in that relationship to be willing to break that cycle. This is why Jesus said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:39 – 41).
Jesus is not advocating that we become floor mats for people to walk on, but he is saying that if you will be willing to break the cycle, to be the one who refuses to return an offense for an offense, you can stop this hurtful cycle and you can find healing in the relationship. But someone has to decide to get out of the seat of the offender and not return evil for evil.
If you are in the offender’s seat, I want to encourage you—to urge you—to decide to get out of it right now, today. It’s really a miserable place to be.