Are Toxic Coworkers Driving You Crazy?

PROGRAM W-1757

What do you do when a toxic coworker is driving you crazy? Let’s begin by describing what a toxic person is. Toxic means poisonous, dangerous, harmful and persistent. So a toxic person is one who can poison an atmosphere, and their actions and words are harmful and repetitive. Not just a once-in-awhile bad day, but a recurring unhealthy and hurtful behavior. Here are some signs that a person is toxic:

• They talk more than they listen.
• They are always right—never admit to being wrong.
• They are drama queens or kings—drama seems to follow them everywhere.
• They lack tact and general courtesy.
• They often lie to make themselves look good or to get what they want.
• They exhibit controlling behaviors.
• They love to talk about other people—to gossip.
• They are, in general, very negative people.

Here’s the first thing I want to remind you as we talk about dealing with toxic people: They are people that God loves just as much as he loves you. I remember long ago when I worked for a boss who was anything but pleasant, I found it hard to even be around him. But I remember clearly one day when the thought came to me—no doubt from the Holy Spirit—that God loved him just as much as he loves me. I had to sit down and think about it. How could God love someone so unlovable? But it’s true! Because God is love, he loves that toxic person in your life just as much as he loves you.

Secondly, that person is not in your life by accident. God is allowing it—not approving of their behavior, mind you—but allowing that person in your life for some good reason. It could be to help you grow in grace as you have to deal with them. It could be for the good influence you could have on that toxic person. It could be both! Trust me—God has some good reason for that person being in your life.

We are told in Scripture, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). That’s our assignment for dealing with toxic people. Others may live by more commonly accepted relationship principles such as, “Look out for number one!” “Don’t take any guff!” “Stand up for your rights!” They may have no motivation to “live at peace with everyone,” but we are called to this Christ-like objective. It is a lofty one; it is one that is often out of step with the world’s wisdom; it is often not appreciated or valued by others. However, as disciples of Jesus Christ, it is our guiding principle.

For sure, when we can respond to toxic people with more patience, more kindness, and less anger than others, we are demonstrating the love of Jesus and it won’t be missed. Your coworkers may not believe in God, they may never go to church, they may even think you are some kind of religious fanatic, but they cannot escape the difference in the way you respond to toxic people—when you allow God’s Spirit to empower you to respond like Jesus would.

I think your first challenge is to get your own attitude and reactions to toxic people under control. Learn to do some things that will keep you from, as we say, going crazy. Here are four practical things you can do to protect yourself when you’re dealing with a truly toxic person.

1.  Don’t let your thoughts and your mind dwell on them all the time.

When dealing with such a disruptive and irritating person—on a regular basis, no less—it’s very natural to let their behavior occupy your mind and your thoughts way too much. If you find you’re dwelling on their behavior and you’re giving them too much thought-time, you need to firmly and swiftly boot the person out of your head. Refuse to let them take over your mind. Philippians 4 tells us to think about things that are lovely, pure, noble—and this pretty much excludes that toxic person. Stop giving them time in your mind!

How do you do this? You do it by replacing thoughts of them with good thoughts—thankfulness, reciting your blessings, and focusing on God’s goodness. That’s what it means to bring every thought into captivity and make it obedient to Christ, as we read in 2 Corinthians 10:5. This is a spiritual discipline that will make a huge difference in your life. If you have not already discovered this truth and learned how to take wrong thoughts captive, I recommend a book I’ve written on it entitled, Think About What You Think About.

As you head out to work each day, pray that the Holy Spirit will remind you to boot those wrong thoughts out of your mind and to help you refuse to allow that toxic person to occupy your thoughts. That is a very important first step.

2.  Distance yourself from them as much as possible.

You’ve heard a lot about setting boundaries, I’m sure. The Bible teaches us to set boundaries. For example, these two passages from Proverbs help us with this:

Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way. (Proverbs 4:14-15)

The highway of the upright avoids evil; those who guard their ways preserve their lives. (Proverbs 16:17)

Philippians 4:7 tells us that the peace of God will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. We have to be wise about distancing ourselves from people who would fill our minds with evil and try to bring us down emotionally. You may not be able to distance yourself from a toxic person physically if they are a coworker, so if that is not possible, learn to distance yourself mentally and emotionally. Pray each day that God will protect your mind and teach you how to literally tune them out when you can. If you can wear headphones where you work, you could use that as a buffer between you and that toxic person. Even if you don’t listen to anything on your earphones, just wearing them creates some distance.

3.  Seek relationships at work with uplifting people.

Hopefully, there are constructive people in your workplace. Spend time with them—not talking about the toxic person, but talking about fun and happy things. Uplifting people are a great counterbalance to toxic people.

Recently, one of our pastors answered one of my emails with one of his funny quips. It was on a day when I felt like the world was closing in on me—you’ve had those days, I’m sure. When I read his funny email, I just laughed heartily and thanked God for a friend like him who can always lift my spirits. I’ve known him almost 25 years, and he has this wonderful gift of finding what I call the “happy spot.” I hope you have people you work with who can always lift your spirit. Look for them and spend time with them as an antidote for the toxic people around you.

4.  Watch your self-talk.

Don’t be your own worst enemy by talking to yourself in discouraging ways. You know, we all talk to ourselves, and typically we believe what we tell ourselves, don’t we? So, watch out for your self-talk and use it for good in your life. Talk to yourself on a regular basis with good news. Don’t allow your thoughts to linger in negative territory. You can control what you say to yourself!

Listen to how the Psalmist talks to himself: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5).

There are four practical things you can do to protect yourself from the toxicity of coworkers who may be causing discord and disharmony where you work. This attitude change toward toxic people must be a God-thing or it will never be a reality. The good news is that as Christ-followers, we have the power to put these into practice because we have been given God’s Spirit who indwells and empowers us. This begins, as so much does, by prayer. Daily pray something like this: “Lord, whomever I deal with today, help me to see them the way you see them. Remind me that you love them and their real need is to know you.”

In Philip Yancey’s book, Reaching for the Invisible God, he advises that it is easier to act your way into feelings than to feel your way into actions. In other words, do what you know is right to do and let the feelings follow, if they will. If you wait on your feelings to kick in before you do what you know you should do, you’ll be in wait mode for many days—if you’re like me!

John wrote, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them” (1 John 4:16b). “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).

This kind of love is an action, not a feeling. It is a decision, not a desire. Sometimes the feelings and desires are present; sometimes they are not. Either way, if we live in God, we must live in love.

One of the greatest indications that we truly “live in God” and are new creations in Christ Jesus is our willingness to extend this God-love to people who would have no claim on our love otherwise. After all, these toxic coworkers can’t expect you to love them, can they? It’s not in your job description and no one can demand it from you.

Therefore, when you choose to love in actions and truth, you show a loveless world a little sample of what Jesus is like. You become the love of God reaching out to them—unconditional love which cannot be explained or ignored. It is powerful in its implications and effects on the relationships of our lives.

One small verse in 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that “Love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:8). When nothing else works, try love. When there seems to be no way to improve a relationship, try love. Love never fails!

As a reminder, tell yourself frequently that workplaces will be workplaces. In most cases, you have many different personalities thrown into one cauldron during working hours. Drama, power struggles, and office politics are often inevitable, at least to some extent. Try to keep yourself as far removed from all this as possible. Concentrate on your own work and excellence, and let people be people.