Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 14:28 — 19.9MB)
You know, most of us spend way too much time in the offended seat, because we allow our feelings to be hurt so easily. We start throwing pity parties, and we get stuck in that seat. Quite honestly, I’m really sick of sitting in this seat. It has taken me awhile to realize I sit in the offended seat more than I should, but I’ve finally gotten really sick of it. And it is like being let out of prison, set free from bondage, when you see how miserable it is to be the offended person and to wallow around in self-pity.
If you spend a lot of time in this seat of the offended, with your feelings hurt, and throwing your own pity parties, you probably think someone else has the responsibility to get you out of that seat. You’re thinking the person who hurt you, who offended you, should now come and do whatever is necessary to get you out of there. After all, it’s not your fault if you’re in the seat of the offender, you think, so it’s not your responsibility to get yourself out of it!
But I hope you will hear this clearly: If you are in the offended seat, it is because you are choosing to sit there. And believe it or not, there is nothing anyone in the seat of the offender can do to get you out of the seat of the offended. You will only get out of that seat when you decide you’ve had enough, when you see how wrong and sinful it is, and how self-destructive it is.
The person who offended you should apologize, especially if it was intentional. I get that. But they may never be able to apologize enough or in an acceptable way to you if you are really stuck in the seat of the offended. And of course, many times the one who offended doesn’t apologize, either because they don’t know they have offended you or they don’t care. So, if you’re waiting for the offender to extricate you from that miserable seat of the offended, you’re in for a huge disappointment.
In fact, there are people in the seat of the offended who enjoy being there, in a rather perverse way. They enjoy being a victim. After all, as long as you’re in the seat of the offended, you don’t have to take responsibility for anything you did in the seat of the offender. You can just keep shifting blame and having your pity parties—and spend your life in the offended seat.
I must tell you when you choose to keep sitting in the seat of the offended, it turns you into someone who is sour, unattractive, self-consumed, and dishonoring to Christ. Now, I know some of you have been hurt very deeply; the offense against you is deep and ingrained. Even so, God wants to deliver you from being the offended person, carrying that burden around with you all the time, wearing that chip on your shoulder. But you must be willing to give it up.
What does God say we should do when we’ve been offended?
Romans 12:14: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
We are to bless them, not slander them. Regardless of what they did to you, it pales in comparison to what your sin—and mine—did to the Son of God. Do you remember Jesus’ words on the cross—Father, forgive them? He blessed those who persecuted him. He gave us the model for how we are to treat those who hurt us.
Have you blessed people in the offender seat of your life? I mean literally prayed a blessing on them—asked God to bless them. That’s one way to get you out of the offended seat.
Proverbs has some very wise advice for those who have been offended.
Proverbs 19:11: A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
If you find yourself suddenly in the seat of the offended—someone has said something to hurt your feelings or done something that injured you—can you, by God’s grace and through the power of the Holy Spirit, give up your right to feel hurt and actually choose to overlook the offense? Now, I know some offenses should not be overlooked, but certainly with those small things that often put us in the seat of the offended, we can learn to overlook them, and when we do, it is to our glory. It speaks well of us; we behave in a mature, Spirit-controlled manner.
That means you have to stop thinking about what offended you. You must bring your thoughts into captivity and refuse to go back to that offense, whatever it was. The reason you and I end up in the seat of the offended is because we are thinking about how we’ve been offended. If we can learn to drive out those wrong thoughts and replace them with right ones, it will be to our glory and get us right out of the seat of the offended.
Proverbs 17:9: He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Think about it: What are we likely to do when we feel offended? We talk about it, right? We tell someone else how we’ve been hurt. That just keeps us strapped in the seat of the offended, in that miserable self-pity place, and does nothing to get us out. Suppose instead we choose to cover over an offense—not talk about it to anyone else, not even our best friend. Just to let it go. Can you see how that would promote love?
Please understand I am not advocating an attitude of victimization—where you simply let people run over you. But Scripture teaches us there are offenses which need to be overlooked and are not worthy of the emotional price we pay when we choose to let little things continually offend us.
Proverbs 18:19: An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
Do you know someone who has carried around a bitter attitude for years because they feel they have been offended? The longer you sit in the seat of the offended, the harder it is to get out of it. It becomes addictive; it starts to become your identity. If you’ve been sitting in the seat of the offended for a while, have you become that unyielding person? Have you become so bitter and angry and full of self-pity it has changed your personality and made you tough?
I know getting out of the seat of the offended is not done easily, especially if you’ve been there for a while and if the offense is not just a small thing. But can you see how you bring more harm to yourself by remaining in that seat? Does it harm the one who offended you for you to remain offended? No, it only harms you.
Galatians 5:1 says: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. The seat of the offended is a yoke of slavery, and if you have truly been born from above, set free from your sins by faith in the redeeming work of Jesus Christ, then the door has been opened for you to walk into freedom. But you have to decide you will not let yourself be burdened again with self-pity.
To get out of the seat of the offended, you have to forgive the offender. And that can be truly difficult, especially if the offense is deep and there has been no recognition or apology. But let me remind you forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve our forgiveness simply means we give up our right for revenge, and we turn them over to God. Vengeance belongs to God, and he will repay. They will not get off scot-free. God will do what is right and just; you can count on it. I can’t tell you when, but I can assure you that someday every wrong will be made right.
If you’re unwilling to forgive those who have offended you, it is probably because of pride. That’s because when we’re hurt, we can start to elevate ourselves and think we deserve to be treated with respect, and it’s wrong for others to offend us. Do you recognize the pride in that kind of thinking? It’s stinkin’ thinkin’!
I remember the story of a saint of old who was falsely accused in the newspaper of all kinds of wrongs. When he read it, his response was, “But they don’t know the half.” Instead of defending himself, he didn’t allow pride to cause him to get into the seat of the offended. You see, it’s hard to offend a truly humble person.
Romans 12:20 says: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. What does it mean to heap burning coals on his head? That is a quote from Proverbs 25, and the idea is that the burning coals do not damage them. They melt their hearts as metal can be melted by hot coals. Their hard-heartedness, stubbornness, their offensiveness will be melted by the generosity and compassion you show them by not returning evil for evil, but instead returning good for evil.
I ask you to examine yourself and see if you are sitting in the seat of the offender or the offended. You really don’t want to be in either one. You can be set free the very day you decide you’re really tired of being offended, and you don’t want to offend others anymore.
We have prepared a special handout to help you stay out of both of them! You’ll find it on our website at christianworkingwoman.org.