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All of us have been in both of those seats; we have offended others, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, and we have certainly been offended. But neither place is a good place to be; a mature Christian who desires to grow up in Christ doesn’t want to spend any time in either place—either as the offended or the offender.
This episode and next, I’m going to describe what happens to us when we occupy either of these seats—the seat of the offender or the offended. And then we prepared a special handout to help you stay out of both! You’ll find it on our website at christianworkingwoman.org.
Let’s look at the seat of the offender. Offending others can either be intentional or unintentional. We must recognize both—those times when we really want to hurt someone, and those times when we have hurt someone without even realizing it.
First, what would cause us to intentionally try to hurt someone? The first thing that comes to my mind is that we strike back at someone who has hurt us. We’ve been hurt, so we hurt back. This comes in big ways and small ways. For example, someone may have said one sentence to you today that hurt your feelings, and before you know it, you reacted with a stinger of your own. Or someone may have passed you by without saying hello or treated you in what seemed like a rude way, and so the next chance you get, you respond to them in a similar fashion.
Those are small offenses that generate other small offenses. And whether the first offense was intentional, we respond in an intentionally offensive way because we assume it was intentional! Does this not ring a bell with you? You’ve seen it happen at work, at home, at church, in families, with friends and strangers, and no doubt you’ve sat in the seat of the offended in response to small offenses. The thing is, these small offenses can easily escalate to a long-term, hurtful cycle of offenses each person inflicts on the other.
There are many marriages, as well as other close relationships, that have been in a cycle like this for years, where one small offense generates another in return, and that has become the norm for that relationship—each person offends because she or he is offended, and on it goes. What is needed is for one person in that relationship to be willing to break the cycle. This is why Jesus said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:39 – 41).
Jesus is not advocating we become floor mats for people to run over, but he is saying if you will be willing to break the cycle, to be the one who refuses to return an offense for an offense, you can stop this hurtful cycle and you can find healing in the relationship. But someone has to decide to get out of the seat of the offender and not return evil for evil.
Some married friends of mine say they have learned to give each other the benefit of the doubt. In other words, if one of them is offended by the other, before they assume that the other meant to offend them, they give them the benefit of the doubt by assuming they did not mean to offend, since they both have promised not to intentionally offend each other. I like that. That will break the cycle of offense before it gets started.
If you are in the offender’s seat, I want to encourage you—to urge you—to decide to get out of it right now, today. It’s really a miserable place to be.
But I think it is often true when we do offend someone, it is unintentional. We don’t stop to realize how words, attitudes, body language, and facial expressions—and all kinds of little things—can become offensive. We truly underestimate how easily we can cause hurt. Aren’t you usually shocked when you find out someone is offended with something you said or did?
I was shocked some time ago when a person I counted as a good friend began to strike out at me and say hurtful things. I just couldn’t figure out why she would do that; I had no idea she had been offended by me. I certainly never intended to offend her. But as we began to talk and I listened between her lines, I realized through carelessness and lack of appreciation on my part and lack of paying her some attention, she was carrying around a hurt spirit toward me, and that displayed itself in hurtful ways.
I had been sitting in the seat of the offender, and I was truly sorry to realize it. With some very small and simple changes on my part, the problem went away immediately and there was complete healing in the relationship.
We can cause hurt, and offense much more easily than we ever realize. We assume because we don’t intend to offend, then we haven’t offended. But that is just not the way it is. Let’s think of some of the unintentional things we can do which can be interpreted as offensive.
Our choice of words is probably our easiest pitfall. We just speak too quickly, without thinking about how those words could be heard by someone else. A good question to ask yourself is, How would I feel if someone said that to me? And a good verse to memorize is Ephesians 4:29:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
But you know, the right words with the wrong tone of voice can still be offensive. Did you know the tone you speak in is louder than the words you say? We can offend someone simply by a harsh or uncaring tone of voice. It’s the difference in “I’m really sorry” and “I’m sorry.”
Another way we can unintentionally offend others is by our body language, which again is louder than the words we say. Facial expressions, lack of eye contact, a sour look—things like this are very loud and can overpower any message we may be trying to give verbally. Not long ago I was waiting in line to check out, and the person in front of me was slow, tedious, talkative, and inconsiderate. You’ve been there, I’m sure, but this is always a challenging situation for me. And as I left the store, I was convicted that through my body language I had delivered a message of irritation and displeasure. I had jumped into the seat of the offender just that quickly!
It is definitely true that we can cause hurt, and offense much more easily than we realize. Just overlooking simple courtesies, being distracted, failing to show appreciation—the list goes on and on. So, how do we know when we’ve offended someone unintentionally?
Well, the first thing is to pray that God will make you sensitive so that you are more aware of when you are sitting in the seat of the offender. Then watch your words. Pray much that God will guard your words and make them words of life, not death.
Then, when you sense a change in a relationship—a change for the worse—don’t just let it go on that way. Find out why; be willing to make the first step toward repairing the relationship. Romans 12:18 says: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. So, make the first move to find out what’s wrong, and if you need to, apologize and get yourself out of that seat of the offender.
Romans 12:10 tells us to: Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. If we honestly tried to honor others above ourselves, that would keep us out of the seat of the offender, don’t you think? Honor is placing high value on someone or something. It means treating them as though they are very valuable.
Treating someone with honor means you say nice things to them; you give them first choice; you find out what they want and try to meet their needs. Just think of how we typically behave toward someone we honor or value or hold in high esteem. We listen to what they have to say; we treat them with respect; we are kind and considerate of them.
Another translation of Roman 12:10 says we are to outdo each other in showing honor. Notice it doesn’t say treat others with honor if they deserve it—if they are honorable. No, we are to treat others with honor regardless—unconditional honor, if you please. If there is a relationship in your life that is strife-ridden, a person you truly have trouble getting along with, have you ever tried treating them with honor?
Maybe you’re thinking you can’t do that if they don’t deserve it because that would be hypocritical—or because they don’t treat you with honor. But think about how God treats us with honor, with mercy and grace and love, even though we don’t deserve it. Shouldn’t that motivate us to want to give to others what God has extended to us—to bend the blessing back? And remember the principle of sowing and reaping; if you need honor, sow honor. If you need respect, sow respect. You reap what you sow.
The seat of the offender is an ugly place to be; treating someone with honor gets you out of that seat immediately. Let me give you two examples:
Suppose you work for a boss who is difficult, who doesn’t show you consideration as you think he or she should, who is not easy to work for. No doubt that boss sits in the seat of the offender and offends you frequently. Because of this, you recognize you respond out of hurt and therefore inappropriately too often. Suppose you decide by God’s grace, and in obedience to Jesus, you will begin to intentionally treat that boss with honor.
So, you go to work covered in prayer, and you look for ways to treat your boss with honor. You think of something you can do to lighten your boss’s workload, and you do it. You seek his or her advice about something, you listen, and thank him or her. You say nice words about your boss to a coworker; there has to be something true and nice you can say. How do you think this kind of behavior will start to affect how you feel about your boss and most likely, how well you interact with him or her?
Let’s take another example of a family relationship—perhaps a husband and wife or parent and child or two siblings. If this relationship has a history of hurt and you realize you have sat in the seat of the offender far too often, how could you show honor to that husband or wife or child or parent or sibling? Maybe you cook their favorite meal and treat them special for no specific reason. Or you simply speak encouraging words, complimentary words. Or maybe you just take time to sit and listen, really listen, with no agenda, no defensiveness, no anger or malice. This would be treating them with honor, and you would no longer be in the seat of the offender.
How they respond is not your responsibility and you certainly don’t have total control over it. But I can assure you if you choose to honor them above yourself, as Romans 12:10 says, it will most certainly begin to break that cycle of hurt and get you out of that dreadful seat of the offender. You will be amazed at how good it feels to get out of that seat, especially if you’ve been there for a while.