The Little Foxes of Unforgiveness

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Presented by Lisa Bishop

I read a story of forgiveness about a woman whose husband was kidnapped and tortured. In her words she was in a “living hell” as the captors demanded ransom money she did not have and sent her photos of her husband enduring unspeakable evil at the hands of the men who captured him. For 30 long weeks her husband experienced cruel and unusual punishment. As I read her story, I could feel the anguish in my own soul for all of the pain and loss she and her husband endured. Forgiveness was a journey for her, but she realized she was harming herself by holding onto hatred and over time got to a place where she felt empathy, forgave the men, and released herself from her self-contained prison of unforgiveness. I cannot even imagine going through something so nightmarish and yet this is what she said.

Now I remind myself daily to apply forgiveness to my everyday life while driving, while in the grocery store, and at home with my family. Every time I feel myself going into anger or judgment, I instead choose empathy and forgiveness. I get better at it every day.

This woman’s story is an extreme example and most of us may not experience what she endured. But the fact that she could get to a place of forgiveness is an example for you and me.

Jesus is our ultimate example of extending forgiveness.

Our Christian faith requires us to forgive so we must work at it and be willing. At some point in our lives we all will experience feelings of unforgiveness. Anger, resentment, bitterness, or perhaps even hatred towards another person. Maybe in this very moment there are people in your life that you are refusing to forgive or maybe you have tried to let go of hurt or hard feelings but you find yourself having a really difficult time.

First off, you are not alone. Forgiveness is something we have all struggled with at one time or another, and while forgiveness is a fundamental of the Christian faith, sometimes it is easier said than done. I am not an expert on forgiveness, in fact I have had to overcome my own obstacles to forgive when I have been hurt.

For years I worked to forgive someone that I experienced as very toxic. While I did not want to hold onto my ill feelings towards the person, it was challenging. I prayed, I read the Word asking God to help me. I even hired a coach to help me work through my feelings of anger and bitterness. It took some really hard work over time.

You may have experienced things in your life that seem unforgivable; tremendous loss and tragedy caused at the hands of another person. More common are the day-to-day rubs, miscommunication or insensitivities we have toward each other that can fester into unforgiveness. Whether a minor offense or major violation, forgiveness can feel like a hard pill to swallow. But it’s the crux of the Gospel message.

Romans 5:8: “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

And Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

These are only two of the 125+ references to forgiveness in the Bible. Forgiveness is a big deal to God and it is meant to be a daily practice for followers of Jesus. Living a lifestyle of forgiveness is what you and I are called to.

Letting go of hurts and surrendering them to Jesus is non-negotiable.

But let’s face it, relationships can be messy at times. Our marriages, friendships, family, and work relationships are vulnerable to the venom of unforgiveness if we are not mindful.

Speaking of venom, if you were bit by a snake (I hope that never happens to you), what would you do first? Stomp on the snake and yell at it, or would you try to suck the venom out of you? My guess is your first action would be to get rid of the poison in your body.

Unforgiveness is like poison flowing through your veins and the best thing to do is to eliminate it. Whether it’s a simple spat with your spouse, long-held resentment toward a family member, ex-spouse, or friend, or an unresolved conflict with a co-worker, take some time to really notice the impact the posion of holding onto offense, upset, or wrongdoing is having.

The other day as I was thinking about this topic of unforgiveness, and in the midst of my morning quiet time the Holy Spirit brought the words “little foxes” to my mind. I honestly didn’t know what that meant so I did what anyone would do…. I googled it, and it brought me to Song of Solomon 2:15 which says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” The Song of Solomon is a poem written to demonstrate the love between a husband and wife and in the middle of a tender and romantic conversation comes this verse about catching foxes! As I dove into the context and meaning I was astounded and grateful for the Spirit’s guidance to that verse.

Foxes are destructive animals that could destroy vineyards. When referenced in the Song of Solomon, they represent potential problems that could damage a relationship. The idea being when little foxes are overlooked, things like holding onto offense, judgement, making assumptions about a person, and unforgiveness, they pose a real danger to our relationships.

You must catch the sly “troubling foxes.” Sins, attitudes, mindsets, all potential threats to your relationships must be removed, and unforgiveness is one of those threats!

Hebrews 12:15: (NLT) “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”

When you refuse to forgive and hold onto pain, hurt and injustice, it becomes bitterness. That bitterness can take root and become poisonous to your spiritual life.

When you forgive, you prevent bitterness from taking up residence in your heart.

In Mark 11:25 Jesus said, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Forgiveness is so important that Jesus instructed his disciples to make it a priority to forgive first before praying. You do not need to earn God’s forgiveness; he freely gave it to you when you confessed that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior! But if you have accepted his forgiveness, you need to extend it to others.

When other people sin against you and you struggle to forgive, remember God’s incredible forgiveness and ask him to help you forgive as he does. When someone has harmed you on a deep level, you may not be able to trust that person again, the relationship may not be able to be restored, but you can still forgive and trust God to deliver justice, whether or not you see it in your lifetime.

Forgiveness is an act of faith, obedience, and trust.

Some big things are hard to forgive and will simply take time, asking God to transform your heart and mind, and a lot of prayer. But don’t give up. Also, remember that people often make little mistakes, and take thoughtless actions that will tempt you to harden your heart to them. Avoid letting those little things add up. Choose to forgive them as they happen; First Corinthians 13 reminds us, love keeps no record of wrongs!

Take a minute and scan your relationships. Is there anyone that you are mad at? Whose calls or texts are you avoiding and intentionally letting go to voicemail? Is there someone whose name you hear or that walks in a room and you have less than warm and fuzzy thoughts about them? You may have written something off as no big deal but if you are honest there may be a slight wedge between you and another person. No act of forgiveness is too small.

I want to take a few minutes to walk you through some practical steps of forgiveness. These are not prescriptive but a guide to help you live a forgiveness lifestyle. Just let the Lord bring anything to light through this set of questions. Are you ready?

1. Ask God, “Holy Spirit is there anyone I am harboring resentment, bitterness, or unforgiveness towards?”
2. Write any names on a piece of paper. (now if you are driving wait until it’s safe to write and don’t worry – you can go through these steps and revisit them later).
   If you get a name and you are surprised, continue through the exercise and see what God may want to reveal to you.
3. As you look at your list, write down what you are holding against each person. What do you need to forgive them for? Be specific. Also, record what judgements you have made about each person. If you don’t know, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any to judgments to you.
4. What are the emotions that come up when you think of each person? Angry? Sad? Mad? Depressed? Write that down.

It is not a sin to acknowledge your emotions. In fact, being able to communicate them and bring them to God is an important step in the process of healing and forgiveness.

5. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what lie you are believing that is keeping you from releasing the person from your unforgiveness. Maybe the lie is that the person is not worthy or deserving. Renounce the lie and ask the Holy Spirit how he sees the situation and the person. Write down what you hear.
6. Ask Jesus if there is anything you need to ask forgiveness for (your part in the offense or any thoughts or actions you had towards the person). Write down anything the Holy Spirit brings to mind and ask Jesus for forgiveness.
7. Then, go through the names of the people you wrote down and confess and repent of unforgiveness towards each person you listed. State each person’s name out loud and what you forgive them for. “I confess and repent of my unforgiveness towards Jane and I choose to forgive her for (fill in the blank listing what the person did).”
8. Visualize the cross of Jesus, his grace and forgiveness, between you and each person and say, “I choose to bless ___ in Jesus’ name. (You can bless people with love, peace, favor, abundance, success, etc.).
9. Finally, consider ending with a prayer of thanksgiving. “Jesus, Holy Spirit, come and take over all the areas of my heart that were given over to the enemy through my unforgiveness. Heal each wounded place. Fill my heart with your grace and compassion. Thank you for your forgiveness and for restoring my soul. In Jesus’ mighty name. Amen.”

Remember, forgiveness is not measured by whether a person deserves to be forgiven. Rather, forgiving someone is your response of obedience to God, to the grace and mercy you have received.

As you go through these steps, if you realize you have wronged someone, whether through careless words or gossip, holding a grudge, or acting in unloving ways; take the initiative to go to that person to ask for their forgiveness and be reconciled. Acknowledge what you said or did that caused pain. Even if you did not intend to wound someone, swallow your pride, humble yourself, and acknowledge their upset. You can say something along the lines of, “I am sorry I hurt you, will you forgive me?” Be sincere and own your impact.

Remember to be completely humble. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:1b-3,” Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Your path to forgiveness may be quick or it may take days, a week, months or years. Be surrendered to the process with a willingness and desire to let go of hurts, harms, and offenses and release the person to God. Forgiveness is an act of will but also a result of God’s Word renewing your heart and mind and the power of the Holy Spirit working in you. It is at the heart of the Christian faith and we forgive others because we’ve been forgiven in Jesus Christ.