-Part II-

When we avoid needed confrontations, we almost always make matters worse. In that avoidance mode, think of what can happen.

  • We start gossiping and griping and complaining about the person we should be confronting, and that can lead to all kinds of problems.
  • We keep our angry feelings bottled up inside of us, and they eventually turn into bitterness, which makes us unlovely people and causes great stress.
  • We allow that other person to continue to get by with whatever it is, enabling them to do what they are doing.
  • We perpetuate a negative environment by our lack of action, instead of taking a positive approach to try to find a solution.

Of course, how, when and where you confront is of prime importance. And the motivation behind the confrontation has to be carefully analyzed, to make certain we are acting from pure motives, in order to help others, not just to ventilate our frustration or anger. These issues are extremely important to successful and constructive confrontation.

Now, I would like to consider some examples of situations where a confrontation would be helpful, and then give some concrete ideas on how to approach that confrontation.

Confronting Careless Mistakes

Let’s say you need to confront someone on your job about mistakes she is making. These are careless mistakes, from lack of attention to details, but they are affecting your ability to do your job and the quality of the work effort of your company or organization. Although you are not this person’s manager, but rather a co-worker, this qualifies as a situation that needs careful thought. In most cases, it is best to try to confront this individual directly before taking it to a higher level.

So, you decide to gird up your courage and talk with this co-worker. You choose a day when the workload is manageable, and you invite this co-worker to have lunch with you. In a secluded setting, where your conversation can be kept private, you would need to open this topic in such a way that it doesn’t sound like finger pointing, yet you have to get to the point and be specific in order to accomplish anything positive.

Think which of these two approaches would work best:

  1. As you know, I’ve been working here for almost 12 years, and since you’re somewhat new on the job, I thought it would be good to give you a few pointers because you are making some mistakes that are causing a lot of problems. Let me point out to you what you are doing wrong. . .
  1. I remember when I first started working here, everything was so new and confusing. I’m sure I made tons of mistakes, but there was a woman who really helped me, and so I thought maybe I could do the same for you. There are some areas where a few changes on your part could make things easier for you and help us get the work processed better with fewer customer complaints. For example. . .

Can you sense the difference in those two approaches? The first one has a finger-pointing feel to it, and is likely to cause a defensive reaction. The second one uses a face-saving approach, which lets the other person off the hook so that he or she is not as likely to feel the need to be defensive.

Confronting Poor Work Habits

Another common area where confrontation is called for is when a person has some poor work habit. In this case, let’s say that you are a manager or supervisor and one of your employees is habitually late to work. This calls for a confrontation.

Choosing a good time, you call this employee into your office to discuss some other issue that is business related, so as not to put that person on the defensive, and then at the conclusion of that discussion you broach this touchy subject of being on time. Which of these two approaches would work best?

  1. Before you go, let me point out something that is bothering me. You’ve been late to work a lot and it just drives me crazy. I want every person here on time every day. You’re paid to be here on time, so I’ll be expecting you to be on time every day from now on. I hope that is clear.
  1. I’ve noticed that you have some difficulty getting to work on time. Perhaps there is some good reason for that; if so, you need to tell me so we can work it out by cutting your lunch time or having you work later each day. Is there some reason that makes it difficult for you to be here on time each day?

In the first case, the focus is on “your poor work habits drive me crazy.” In the second illustration, the focus is on the employee’s situation and indicates a willingness to be flexible about work hours if that is necessary. It’s not difficult to figure out which approach would have the best likelihood of generating a good result.

Confronting an Attitude Problem

Perhaps one of the most difficult confrontations is that of attitude. If someone has a negative, wrong attitude, that attitude is likely to make a confrontation less likely to succeed. But yet, a bad attitude does more harm than almost anything else you can name. Let’s say you work with a person who is always negative, griping, complaining and unhappy about everything. Consider these two confrontation approaches:

  1. I’ve noticed that your attitude is always negative. You never seem to be happy about anything, and that makes it difficult to work with you. Your attitude really poisons the atmosphere, so I wanted to suggest that you work at being more positive.
  1. I’ve noticed that you are often negative and unhappy about the job and the people here, and usually a bad attitude is just a symptom of something else going on behind the scenes. I’m not trying to pry, but I was just wondering why you choose to focus on the negative so often. If there is any way I can help you, I’d be glad to try, because attitudes tend to be contagious. Maybe there are some positive steps we could take to help you change your attitude.

Admittedly, this is a more sensitive topic than most, but if you could help someone change from being negative to positive, even a little bit, you will do them a great service. The second approach is less accusing and more helpful in tone.

Compose your Thoughts

The best advice is to take the time to compose these opening words ahead of time. Recently a good friend told me of her need to confront her father, and she was very fearful of doing it. But given the situation, it was absolutely the necessary thing for her to do. So, I suggested she write it out so that when she got him on the phone, her nervousness wouldn’t cause her to stumble with her words and say it the wrong way. She did just that, wrote a couple of paragraphs out before dialing his number, and then did what was difficult but necessary for her to do. And actually the confrontation went well, though she is not sure if he will take her advice. But at least she was able to get it said in the right way and he listened.

When Confrontation Backfires

I’ve encouraged you not to avoid confrontation when it is the right thing to do. But we also have to be aware that even constructive confrontation doesn’t always work, because we do not have total control over how the other person will react. We have some control in the way we approach them and the words we choose, but beyond that, our control is limited.

You’ll avoid a lot of frustration if you remember that even when you do the right thing in the right way, the confrontation may not have an immediate good result. The other person must ultimately choose how he or she will respond, and sometimes it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped. That doesn’t mean you failed.

Jesus was often rejected by those he confronted with the truth, and he allowed people to walk away. Even when we believe we know what is best for other people, ultimately we have to be reconciled to the fact that they make their own choices.

In some situations, you may have the power or the authority to execute an ultimatum if the other person refuses to conform. For example, if you confront an employee about their poor work habits and they refuse to change, they may indeed face the consequence of losing their job. But before you present the ultimatum to that person, try to achieve the desired result—changing that person’s poor work habits—in a more conciliatory manner. It may work and you won’t need to issue the ultimatum.

In other situations, you may be powerless to enforce the change you are trying to achieve. Then, depending on the relationship, you have to be prepared to live with it without allowing it to ruin your life, or you have to make changes if you are not prepared to live with it.

So, I want to encourage you to get past your fear and resistance to confrontation and learn how to confront when it is right to do. It is good to speak the truth in love even if it is painful to do.