‘-Part I-

For many of us the very word—confrontation—sends chills up our spines. It almost sounds like a bad word, doesn’t it? And yet, it can be and should be a constructive part of our everyday lives. We shun it and avoid it, as though it will do great harm, when in reality, constructive confrontation can be a very positive thing to do.

Let’s talk about what happens when we avoid confrontation. Suppose you and I worked together and for some reason I had—as we say—a “bone to pick” with you. You were doing something that caused me difficulty in some way or another. But instead of finding the right time and way to bring this out in the open with you and trying to find a solution, I just let it boil up inside of me until what was a small issue became a major stumbling block in my mind.

Now, in this hypothetical situation, instead of addressing the issue in a constructive way, I go into gossip and complaining mode about you. And I tell another co-worker what I don’t like about you, etc., etc. Since this other person is a friend of mine, she is influenced by what I’ve told her about you. Now, instead of solving the problem at its root cause, I’ve spread the problem further and this other co-worker has a negative impression of you because I’ve infected her with my gossip.

You can see how this could continue to spiral throughout the organization, until we have a major conflict involving not just two people, but several others as well. Has the problem been solved? No, not at all, because the one person who needs to be confronted is the object of gossip and backbiting, and she may not even realize that her behavior has caused a problem.

So, fear of confrontation and failure to confront when needed is a very destructive and harmful course of action. I think it is very important that we change our attitude toward confrontation and start to recognize that when we avoid needed confrontation, it almost always leads to harmful attitudes and actions on our part that end up causing problems and trouble for others.

Going back to our hypothetical situation, suppose instead that once I realized I had a problem with you, I chose the right time and place to confront you, and did it in such a way that at least there was a possibility you might handle it well. And suppose that indeed you do handle it well. Now, you are in a position to correct whatever it is that is causing a problem, you and I have an improved relationship, and nobody else needs to ever know anything about it. By constructive confrontation, we’ve eliminated tons of unnecessary stress and avoided all kinds of unpleasant encounters. Good idea? I think so.

Remember when the children of Israel were held captive as slaves in Egypt? God told Moses, “Get up early in the morning and confront Pharaoh. . . and say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me’” (Exodus 8:20). Moses was sent on a mission of confrontation by the Lord. Unfortunately Pharaoh chose not to take heed to Moses’ warning, and he suffered immense harm and eventual death as a result. But God kept sending Moses to confront Pharaoh in order that these disasters could be avoided. That was the purpose of the confrontations; it was a very constructive and appropriate action to take.

Constructive or Destructive?

Can you think of a person or a situation in your life right now that needs some constructive confrontation? How can you tell if it is constructive or not? Well, answer these questions:

  1. If the confrontation were successfully completed, would the person you are confronting benefit from it?

If so, then it would be a constructive confrontation. That doesn’t mean that the confrontation would not be sensitive or cause some temporary pain. It doesn’t mean that the person confronted would necessarily have a good first reaction to it. But, thinking beyond the immediate reaction, if that person was able to understand the need for the confrontation and that would cause some positive change, then it would be a benefit to him or her.

  1. Does this situation/person really require confrontation, or do you need an attitude change or more patience?

Sometimes we think the other person needs to be confronted in cases where we just need to be more patient and understanding. So, if you’re confusing a need for confrontation with a need for patience, then it’s likely that a confrontation is not called for. You know, people need time to grow and change, and some things just can’t be speeded up; they take time.

This is a lesson I have to continually re-learn because I don’t have a great deal of patience. God has to remind me that everyone doesn’t have to march in my parade, at my speed, and I can trust God to work on the other person at the right time in the right way. So, every disagreement is not a case for confrontation. Sometimes God wants us to learn patience.

  1. Is your desire to confront imbedded in a desire to get even, or is it wrapped up in anger and vengeance?

Here is where our motives have to be carefully analyzed. James wrote: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:1-2). So, anytime the turmoil inside of us is simply our own selfish unfulfilled desires or covetousness or anger, obviously we are the one who needs confronting and changing, first and foremost.

Certainly, even if a confrontation would be called for, we can’t embark on that course until our motives are right. Jesus never confronted anyone for selfish reasons but always for the greater benefit. If we confront for the wrong reasons, even if a confrontation would be helpful, our motives will spoil the whole thing and it won’t produce a good result.

So, as you think about the person or situation in your life who you think needs confrontation, search your heart in prayer before the Lord, read this passage from James 4, and make certain your motives are in line with God’s word. Otherwise you will be confronting in the power of the flesh for the wrong reasons, and I can assure you that will fail miserably.

Tips for Confronting

Once you’ve come to the conclusion that you truly need to confront a person about some situation, then you need to consider several important elements of a confrontation. Remember that confronting is by nature sensitive and delicate, and therefore needs to be thoughtfully approached. A reckless, speedy, unplanned confrontation can lead to disaster.

Wise Solomon wrote: “. . . a prudent man gives thought to his steps” (Proverbs14:15) and “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly” (Proverbs 14:29). So, patience and prudence are very important as we think about confronting someone.

  • Timing: The timing of your confrontation is a critical point to consider. Make sure you time your confrontation when you are in control of your own emotions. It’s not a bad idea to follow the “sleep on it” rule of thumb before confronting. So, make certain you time it when you are in control and have carefully considered what you will say.

Also, consider timing as it relates to the other person. If you know this is the busiest week of the month for that person, you might be well advised to wait until next week. Or if you are aware that this person has recently experienced a personal problem or a health issue, you would want to take those things into consideration. Someone who is already struggling with another issue will not be likely to handle one more thing very well.

  • Place: Not only is the right time important, but the right place is as well. Never confront when others are present. It should always be a one-on-one encounter. Embarrassing or humiliating someone is sure to backfire on you, so choose a place that is private and conducive to a confidential conversation. Consider an off-site location. That often works best in business confrontations. Consider confronting over a meal. It seems to break down some barriers when we share a meal with someone. But again, it needs to be in a private setting.
  • Avoid finger-pointing: When you are ready to confront, you need to open the conversation in a way that avoids any kind of a finger pointing attitude on your part. Think about it: Whenever someone approaches you in a finger-pointing mode, you will very quickly become defensive. All of us react to finger-pointing in that way. So, if you begin the conversation with something that sounds like “you’re wrong and I’m right,” you won’t get to first base.

Remember, we are aiming at constructive confrontation, an outcome that will be beneficial to everyone, a win-win solution. So we need to choose words carefully, words that don’t create a defensive reaction, if possible.

  • Plan your words: Proverbs 21:23 reminds us that “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.” Guarding your words carefully is always important, but never more so than when you are confronting someone. How you say what you have to say will make a big difference in whether the confrontation is a success or a failure.

Proverbs 16:21 is very helpful in this matter of confrontation: “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.” The purpose of a constructive confrontation is instructive, right? We want to positively instruct someone else so that they are motivated to change. Well, pleasant words promote instruction, or as another translation puts it, “Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”

That doesn’t mean that we have to be gushy and certainly not phony as we approach this confrontation. It just means we are wise to choose words that can be swallowed as easily as possible.