PROGRAM W-1724 – Part II
Are you living a boundary-less life? If so, you know that your life is out of control—out of your control and out of God’s control. Maybe you have lived so long without boundaries in your life that changing those habits and hearing God’s voice on a daily basis may take you some time. The sooner you begin to do this, the sooner you will get out of that boundary-less lifestyle you’re leading which is causing you burnout, stress, anger, and, worst of all, missing the good things God has planned for you to do.
Ephesians 2:10 tells us this:
For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
God has a plan for your life: It includes a list of good works which he has prepared in advance for you to do. He certainly intends for you to be busy—and at times you will get weary and tired—but if you are every day doing the good works that he has planned for you to do, you will not be living outside the lines. Rather, you will be setting boundaries because you’ll know that you must stay focused on doing the works he wants you to do, not trying to jump through everyone else’s hoops!
How do you know what good works God has for you to do? That comes through getting to know God more and more, through knowing his Word, and through prayer and meditation. I recommend that you begin each day praying Romans 12:1-2 into your life, like this:
“Lord, today I present my body to you as a living sacrifice. May it be holy and pleasing to you today. I offer this as my spiritual act of worship. Help me not to be conformed today to the pattern of this world, but transform me by renewing my mind. In that way, Lord, I can test and approve what is your will for me today—your good, pleasing and perfect will.”
In addition to this, as you spend time each day in the Bible, look for principles about boundaries. The Spirit of God will point them out to you. For example, God set up specific boundaries for the children of Israel concerning when they were to work and when they were to rest. He made it clear that one day out of seven was needed for bodily and mental rest. That is a boundary that was put in place for good reasons. It is the way God made us. Do you rest one in seven days?
Here is another biblical principle:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
Wise Solomon was giving us a high priority principle here: Above all else, guard your heart. Guard here means to put some boundaries around your heart. What does that mean? It means to set boundaries on your emotions and your personal involvements. Make sure you are not spending your emotions recklessly. Set personal boundaries on your heart issues.
Two Aspects of Boundaries
We need to set boundaries in two ways in our lives: Boundaries on ourselves and boundaries for others. First, let’s look at setting personal boundaries.
Personal Boundaries
What limits, guidelines, or boundaries have you built into your own life to keep yourself in line? Think first about mental boundaries: Do you have definite limits as to what you will allow into your mind? If not, then you are opening yourself up to immeasurable harm by allowing the wrong kind of input into your mind. In my book, Think About What You Think About, I go into great detail about the importance of guarding what we put in our minds.
What about physical boundaries: Do you have limits on what you will eat and how much you will eat? Those are important boundaries for a healthy body.
What about your emotional boundaries: Have you set some limits as to how far you will allow your emotions to go, or do you give yourself away indiscriminately? Perhaps you have never set boundaries for your anger, so it is often out of control. The Bible is replete with directives in these areas. If you will discover these for yourself, write them in a prayer journal, and begin praying these boundaries into your life, you will be amazed at the changes in yourself.
For example, do you set boundaries for your tongue? The Bible says, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). That’s a biblical boundary. Pray it into your life. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). That is a clear boundary and, if you will pray that verse every morning, you will begin to talk differently because the Holy Spirit will remind you throughout the day that you should limit your words to only those that will benefit others.
We need to set boundaries for ourselves, and that is one thing we can definitely control. Control the controllable, I often say. Learning to set boundaries for yourself will keep you very busy learning to control the controllable.
Boundaries for Others
When it comes to setting limits for others, we have less control, don’t we? We can’t tell other people what to do. All we can do is set limits on our exposure to others: we can set limits on the amount of time we spend with them, the amount of influence we allow them to have over us, and how we respond to their requests or demands.
My good friend, Jan Silvious, has some wonderful help in her book, Foolproofing Your Life. She writes the following:
“Imagine yourself in a castle. Around any self-respecting castle there is a moat. In this moat there are dangerous creatures. Across this moat there is a drawbridge, and whoever dwells inside the castle has control of the bridge.”
She goes on to explain that when you see someone coming who has, in the past, been able to get past your fences and boundaries and invade your life causing emotional harm, determine that you will not respond in the usual way. Instead, crank up that drawbridge so that person can’t get to you. Say to yourself, “I am setting a boundary. This person will not get to me.”
That “castle” is your strong tower, your place of refuge. Proverbs 18:10 says “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” You do indeed have a place of safety to protect you from any harm that others may try to inflict upon you. But you have to learn to run into that strong tower, claim the power of the name of Jesus, and pull up that drawbridge so the enemies can’t get past your boundaries.
Boundary Mistakes
What are some of the common mistakes we encounter with boundaries in our lives? Here are a few.
No Boundaries
For people who have never intentionally set about establishing boundaries for themselves and for others in their lives, they will obviously have great difficulty. I strongly recommend that you begin putting some boundaries in writing, and then start praying about those boundaries.
Begin with your own personal boundaries. Put in writing the limits and fences you need to put in place in order to “guard your heart,” in order to keep yourself in line, and in order to be disciplined. Think about mental boundaries, physical boundaries, and emotional boundaries. Write them down.
Then think about the boundaries you need to set for others in your life.
No Boundary Communication
Many people have set boundaries in their own minds for other people, but have never found the right way to communicate those boundaries. You need to carefully—and with love—communicate your boundaries. That will take wisdom. It may mean a confrontation. It may even produce some unpleasant responses. But the longer you put it off, the worse it will get. Have you ever tried to communicate your boundaries in a rational, non-emotional, non-angry manner?
Movable Boundaries
A person who has learned or been programmed to give in to others easily—to say yes, to not “rock the boat”—will have boundary problems. This kind of person has movable boundaries: Whatever someone else asks of them becomes their boundary at that moment, because they are compliant. They try very hard to please; they want to be accepted not rejected; they want everyone to be happy with them. So, they move their boundaries, when necessary, to try to accommodate anyone and everyone.
Compliants take on too many responsibilities, and they do not set clear boundaries because they are afraid. They live in fear of hurting others’ feelings, fear of someone else’s anger, fear of punishment, and fear of being unspiritual. Fear is a daily component of their lives.
Christians certainly should be loving, giving people who put others first, but biblical compliance is to be distinguished from this type of harmful compliance. Biblical compliance comes from a heart of compassion, not a sense of fear. It does not produce anger or resentment.
Also, people who lack strong convictions and commitment will have movable boundaries. For example, a single person may determine not to become involved with anyone who is not a fellow-believer, but those boundaries change when an attractive person shows interest. Movable boundaries are a recipe for disaster.
Boundaries Are Spiritual
In closing, let me say that setting boundaries is not a selfish act. If it is selfish, then something is wrong in the way boundaries are set or the reason for setting them. Jesus set boundaries in his life when here on earth. He limited his exposure to people; he limited his time with people; he limited the things he was willing to do. Not because he was selfish, but because he was determined to do what the Father had sent him to do.
As a result, at the end of a short three-year ministry, he could say, “I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do” (John 17:4). Setting reasonable, biblical boundaries is the right thing to do if we do if for the right reason. That reason is so that we can accomplish what God wants us to do and say, as Jesus did, “I have brought glory to God on earth by completing the work he gave me to do.”
I urge you to make boundary setting an intentional part of your life. Pray about it. Ask God to reveal the areas in your life that need boundaries, either for yourself or for others. Read the Bible and look for biblical principles concerning your boundaries. Believe me, they are there. God will reveal them to you if you will seek for them with all your heart.
Always remember that the reason for setting boundaries must be only this: To bring glory to God while we are here on earth.