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PROGRAM D-6989

What is the best way to confront a person? 

When you are ready to confront, you need to open the conversation in a way that avoids sounding like finger-pointing.  Think about it:  Whenever someone approaches us in a finger-pointing mode, all of us will very quickly become defensive. So, if you begin the conversation with something that sounds like “you’re wrong and I’m right,” you won’t get to first base. 

Remember, we are aiming at constructive confrontation, an outcome that will be beneficial to everyone so we need to choose words carefully, and words that don’t create a defensive reaction, if possible.  Here are some examples of opening words that could get the conversation off in the right direction:

  • “I wanted to talk with you personally because I believe between the two of us we can find an appropriate solution to this issue that will help both of us in the end.”

  • “I believe when there’s any kind of conflict between two people, the best way to resolve it is for those two people to bring it out in the open and discuss it.  So, I decided it might be a good idea for us to talk about this issue, because I need to know how you feel about it.”

 

  • “After some thought I decided the best thing I can do is to express openly   to you how I feel about this and give you an opportunity to express your feelings as well.”

It is very smart to actually compose these opening words ahead of time.  Recently a good friend told me of her need to confront her father, and she was very fearful of doing it.  But it was absolutely necessary.  So, I suggested she write it out so that when she talked with him, her nervousness wouldn’t cause her to stumble with her words and say it the wrong way. 

She did just that, wrote a couple of paragraphs before dialing his number, and then did what was difficult but necessary to do.  She reported that the confrontation went well, though she is not sure if he will take her advice.  But at least she was able to get it said in the right way and he listened.