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We are talking about conflict and applying God’s wisdom to our current relational challenges. We all have conflict and we all need help navigating through it at times.
The reality is that conflict can trigger strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause resentment and rifts that seem irreparable. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, when we apply God’s wisdom, it increases our understanding of the other person, builds trust, and strengthens our relationships.
James 1:19-20 says: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Now notice that James says, “Be slow to become angry.” He is not dismissing or discounting anger but he gives a strong admonishment. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. In other words, don’t lead with anger! And, check your anger. Often anger is an unwarranted reaction.
When conflict triggers strong emotions, objectivity can go out the window. We tend to react before we listen. When we lead with emotion in responding to conflict we tend to base our response on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective view of the facts. We can jump to conclusions and make assumptions about another person and their actions and motives.
While we may feel like we are right about what we are seeing and experiencing in conflict (and by the way, the other person is most likely thinking they’re right, too), we may not realize that our perceptions are often influenced by our life experiences, our values and our own beliefs.
So how do we apply the biblical wisdom that James is throwing down?
When James says, “Be quick to listen,” this is a charge to stop, take a deep breath, pause, and try honestly to see things from the other person’s perspective. Empathize with their viewpoint.
We can be so committed to our point of view that we dismiss how another person may be thinking or feeling. So take time to listen. And be slow to speak. The natural tendency may be to play defense, but this is where humility comes in handy. Remain calm, non-defensive, and respectful in your reactions. Be mindful of your facial expression, body language, words and tone. And as my friend Nicole would say, …remember: quick, slow, slow.