PROGRAM W-1719 – Part I

Do you find that dealing with other people creates the majority of the stresses and frustration of life? I often say that relationships are the sandpaper of life—they rub us the wrong way. Yet they often serve as the refining fire of our lives, the way we learn to be more like Jesus.

Relationships are almost always our biggest challenge, and yet Tom Holladay points out in his book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, that nothing is more important than relationships. He says, “A life without relationships may well be a simple life, but it is also an empty life,” (p. 27) and that is so true! Therefore, you and I should place a very high value on our relationships.

Do you value your relationships more than money? More than success? More than doing your own thing? In Philippians 2 we read, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4). If we truly consider others better than ourselves and look to their interests, we will definitely be placing a high value on the relationships in our lives.

How do we live out this principle of considering others better than ourselves? Tom points out that “you have to get outside of yourself for your relationships to change.” For example, when someone interrupts you—maybe a coworker who asks a question—and you are irritated at the interruption, you have to get outside of yourself in order to consider their interest rather than your own.

I find that I can practice this principle a lot when I’m driving. For example, someone is riding on the shoulder and tries to push his way into the line of traffic in front of you, instead of waiting his turn. My blood starts to boil and everything in me wants to prevent that person from getting in front of me. But if I can stop and think, maybe he has a real emergency, or if I can remember a few times I’ve done something like that myself, then I can allow that person in line, lower my blood pressure, and put that person’s interest ahead of my own.

As you face the day ahead for you, ask God to help you practice this principle of getting outside of yourself and being willing to put someone else first. Whether it’s in traffic, in the office, or in your home, you could see some dramatic changes in those relationships because you put the other person first.

I love this quote from Linus: “I love mankind! It’s people I can’t stand!” Linus discovered that it’s easier to talk about loving mankind than it is to love your neighbor as yourself. In his book, Tom asks,  “How did Jesus love?”

He didn’t spend all night making to-do lists of which people he would show love to the next day. He didn’t have some kind of prioritization grid though which everyone who wanted his love had to pass. He simply loved people as the opportunity arose during the normal traffic patterns of his life. (p. 74)

This is a powerful relationship principle from Jesus, if you and I would just practice it. I often remind myself that no one is in my life by accident, and yet far-too-often I treat some of those people that come into my normal traffic pattern as though they are a nuisance and an interruption. Loving the people who come into our normal traffic pattern each day is something we can do by God’s grace, and by asking God to help us see them as he sees them.

This doesn’t mean we hug everyone’s neck and have lengthy conversations with everyone in our traffic pattern. But it does mean that we see beyond the outward appearance and we intentionally remember that they are important to God, they are created in God’s image, they have souls that will spend eternity somewhere, either heaven or hell, and they deserve our respect. They deserve a smile, a kind word, and recognition from us that they are not a nuisance; they are important.

Tom says, “Make the choice to love the few you can love today, trusting in the greatness of God that he will put the right people in your path on the journey of life.” (p. 75). We have to make a daily choice and pray this principle into our lives. Then God’s Spirit will remind us and empower us to simply love the people who come across our paths during the normal traffic patterns of our lives. Can you even imagine the impact this one simple principle would have if we lived it out every day?

Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, but the question is, how can you just love someone on demand? Tom begins chapter 9 in his book by stating, “You cannot command an emotion, but you can command an action.” He goes on to say that “Understanding the difference between emotion and action—between what you feel and what you do—empowers every relationship you have.” (p. 89)

Have you ever fallen “out of love” with someone you once loved? I’ve known married couples who were getting divorced because one of them simply declared, “I don’t love you anymore.” A counselor might say, “But you should love your mate.” Will that solve the problem? No, probably not, because you can’t command an emotion from anyone.

Tom says in his book, “You can’t command an emotion, but you can command an action. When Jesus says, ‘I command you to love one another,’ he’s not saying, ‘Feel this way’; he’s saying, ‘Act this way.’  Act with love toward another person.” (p. 90)

Is there someone in your life right now that you should love, but you don’t? Here’s what you do: Ask yourself what you would do for that person if you did feel lots of love for them. Maybe it’s a mate, a parent, a child, or a sibling—someone close to you, and yet you feel no love for that person. But if you did, what would do? You’d say nice things, you’d do something for them, you’d be interested in what they are doing, and you’d spend some time with them. Pick an action that you would do if you felt like you loved that person, and do it. You can command an action, so do it out of obedience to Jesus Christ and for the sake of the relationship. Then trust God to bring back the feelings that made it easy to love them before.

What about other relationships that aren’t so close—like bosses, employees, or co-workers? They’re your neighbors, right? You’re supposed to love them as you love yourself. Even though you may not like them, what would you do for them if you did really like them? Help them do their work, be willing to go the extra mile, or give them some appreciation? Pick an action and do it. You can command an action, and it could make profound differences in your relationships if you did. If you do what you’re supposed to do, regardless of your feelings, you will find that usually those feelings eventually return.

Did you know that what is going on in your mind is affecting your relationships? Tom Holladay’s book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, makes the point that “What’s happening in your heart is serious business. You may think that the self-pity you heap on yourself every day isn’t affecting your relationships. But it is.” (p. 114)

Maybe you’re thinking that you cannot change the way you feel, and you’re probably right about that. But as Tom says, “You cannot change the way you feel, but you can change the circumstances that are causing the way you feel. And then the feelings will change.”

Let me give you an example. Suppose you work with a person of the opposite sex and your relationship has become very close. In fact, though you are single and he is married, you’ve allowed this relationship to go way beyond the boundaries of friendship, you’ve spent much alone time together, allowed the conversations to become quite intimate, and you’re only a step away from beginning a physical relationship—committing adultery.

You know you need to end this relationship; you know it is wrong; you know God is very displeased with your behavior. But you’ve convinced yourself that you simply can’t break it off; it has become too important to you. Or perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that you can just back it down and keep it under control. Those are lies from your enemy, Satan, and you could not be more wrong!

What you have to do—if you want to avoid misery and heartache beyond belief, not to mention if you want to live a pure life to please Jesus—is to take whatever drastic steps you have to take to change the circumstances that are causing you to feel this great need and love for the wrong person. Change jobs, change churches, move to another city—whatever it takes! You can’t change your feelings, but you can change your circumstances that are causing the feelings.

Jesus said if your hand offends you, cut it off; if your eye offends you, cut it out. This is his principle of dealing drastically with temptation and sin and, believe me, you are well-advised to put it into practice, if necessary. You’ll never regret going God’s way.

Through the more than thirty years that I’ve been ministering to women—through my radio program, The Christian Working Woman, and my own church—I’ve talked to so many women who have allowed a wrong relationship into their lives and are now living with regret. I have often counseled a woman in a wrong relationship to cut the ties at once, and the response I get is “But I can’t; I love him.” That is simply a lie that the enemy tells us for, after all, he is the father of lies. That is his language.

You don’t have to be deceived by his lies! You can do what you know is right to do. There’s no doubt that God will give you the strength to do the right thing. Whether or not you love each other is not the issue; that doesn’t matter. If it’s a wrong relationship, you need to do the right thing. Change the circumstances no matter what it takes.