Part I & II
I think of the many wonderful relationships in my life and how those people have shaped my character and strengthened my walk with the Lord. Thank God for those relationships. But you know, there was a period in my life when I walked away from my commitment to Jesus Christ and during that ten-year desert experience, most of the influential relationships in my life were detrimental to my spiritual life.
We need to be very, very careful about our relationships, the people around us, the people close to us, the people we listen to and try to please, because those people have enormous impact and influence in our lives and if they’re the wrong people, our walk with God will suffer.
The children of Israel are good examples of how wrong relationships can be harmful. God told them that they must not associate with the idolatrous people of the other nations, because if they did, they would start to practice their evil ways. In other words, you won’t bring them up to your level; they’ll bring you down to theirs. And that’s just what happened time and again. God’s children would try to make friends with idolaters and every time they got in big trouble.
In Ezekiel 20 God says to his people, “You say, ‘We want to be like the nations, like the peoples of the world, who serve wood and stone.'” They had surrounded themselves with the wrong people and gradually, little by little, they decided they wanted to be like their friends and associates.
Ask yourself: Do my relationships enhance my walk with God? Are there people I voluntarily spend significant time with who are influencing me to deny, or compromise, or walk away from my commitment to Jesus Christ?
Now, we know that God has not called us to be isolationists. We are to be in this world, though not of it, and Jesus set us an example of being a friend of sinners. We should be as well. But at the same time, we must carefully guard ourselves against relationships that cause us to compromise or lower our standards.
Proverbs 4:23 reminds us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Your heart here refers to your mind, your attitudes, your opinions, your motivations. That would include everything and everyone that influences your heart and mind. Guard your heart well, because it is the wellspring of your life—the source and supply of everything that happens in your life.
I hope you will use this as an opportunity to evaluate the relationships in your life, or your future choices of relationships, as you see the impact of these people on your life and your walk with God.
Marriage Relationship
First let’s talk about probably the most critical relationship in anyone’s life, and that is their life’s partner in marriage. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 we are told: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.”
That is a very clear biblical principle by which we make decisions about whom we are in partnership with, and marriage is certainly a partnership. The two shall become one, the Bible says, when two people get married. Therefore, it is extremely important that you never even consider marrying someone who is not a believer. You will not have the close, intimate marriage you desire. And if you think you can win that person to the Lord after marriage, think again. It rarely happens that way.
A good friend of mine married a man over thirty years ago, and she knew he was not a believer. But she really thought that once they were married, she could influence him to accept Jesus. Over thirty years later she’s still living with an unbeliever, and she forfeited the kind of marriage she really wanted because she disobeyed this clear biblical directive.
Now, for those of you who are already in that position, or perhaps you became a believer after marriage and your mate has not yet, don’t ever give up hope and keep praying that your mate will accept the Lord. It can happen, and you can be an influence to bring that mate to Christ. But be sure that you don’t allow your non-believing mate to cause you to compromise your commitment to Jesus.
To those of you in the “looking for a mate” category, there is a lot of discussion as to whether a Christian should date a non-Christian. You can argue that dating someone is not the same as being yoked with them, but it’s step one toward it. You’re not going to marry anyone you don’t date, that’s pretty certain. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t run any risks in this area, because once you fall for someone, you will start rationalizing and justifying that relationship. Often single people have said to me, “Well, he doesn’t believe just like I do, but he believes in God.” That’s not enough, folks! That person you marry needs to not only be born again, but share your commitment to the lordship of Jesus Christ.
Friends
Did you know that the Bible has a lot to tell us about choosing our friends? Does your circle of friends encourage your walk with God or do they drag you down?
Proverbs 12:26 says: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” What does it mean to be cautious in friendship? Well, let me give you some examples.
Suppose you have a co-worker who seems to really like you and wants to have lunch with you often, stops to talk with you frequently, and so forth. She is very friendly and pleasant, but you know pretty quickly that she is not a believer, just by the way she talks and by her lifestyle. Nevertheless, she pursues a friendship with you, and instigates invitations for further time together.
But you notice that when you’re with her, she often tells off-color stories, or laughs about things that aren’t exactly upright. She has a totally different set of moral values from you and what interests her is of little or no interest to you. In fact, you find that at best the conversation is frivolous and shallow. Perhaps you’ve tried on several occasions to talk about the Lord or about your faith, but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere.
Is that a friendship you want to keep pursuing? I believe being cautious in friendship would mean to carefully and gently back away from spending time with this person, since you’re not able to influence her, but are instead forced to listen to things either inappropriate or inconsequential. That is not an edifying relationship.
Proverbs 22:24-25 tells us: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” That’s pretty clear advice, isn’t it? Someone who is not self-controlled, who is angry a lot, negative often, and quick-on-the-trigger is a person who will drag you down. Got any close friends like that? I think this biblical directive would say, “Back off.”
Maybe you’re thinking, “But Mary, these people like that in my life are not friends, they’re family members and I can’t avoid them.” Someone was recently telling me that she loves her sister, but every time she’s with her, the conversation deteriorates quickly and makes her very uncomfortable. It’s true that avoiding family relationships is neither feasible or desirable, but we still must be careful not to allow those relationships to drag us down spiritually. As my friend Jan Silvius puts it, feed them, but use a very long handled spoon.
In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul wrote: “I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater, or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.” Now, that’s pretty strong guidance about relationships, wouldn’t you agree?
Quite a few years ago I had a wonderful group of women meeting in my home weekly for Bible study and prayer, and we considered ourselves accountable to each other. At one point a new person started attending, and we were glad to have her. But she finally told us that she was living with a man to whom she was not married. We gave her strong biblical advice to immediately break that relationship off, but she was not willing to do that.
Over a few weeks’ time I noticed that her presence in our group was affecting our fellowship and our ability to pray like before. Finally one morning God clearly directed me through this passage in 1 Corinthians 5 to ask her to drop out of our Bible study until she was willing to obey the Lord.
I met with her privately, and as gently and lovingly as possible, explained from God’s Word why she could no longer be a part of our group. She accepted it well, though she still refused to obey the Lord. That certainly wasn’t pleasant, but it was the right thing to do. Since we weren’t able to influence her to do the right thing, the only alternative was to keep her from doing harm to our group. We still remained friends with her, but we could not continue that kind of fellowship.
Is there someone in your life that is living immorally? Or someone who is greedy or dishonest? Maybe someone who slanders and gossips a lot, or is a drunkard? If you continue to associate with that person without pointing out the error, he or she may take that as approval on your part and the sin will not seem to that person so sinful. So, he or she will be less likely to want to change. And you’ll notice that your continued close association with them will start to affect your attitude toward sin, and will drag you down spiritually.
Remember what James wrote: “Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God” (James 4:4). Don’t let the enemy defeat you through wrong relationships. The friends you choose reflect and influence the person you are.
Part II
We need to make certain that we are placing ourselves under the influence of those who will encourage our walk with the Lord and challenge us to live godly lives.
I talked about two very important relationships in our lives: Our marriage partners (if you have one or hope to have one), and our friends. Other critical relationships in our lives, if we choose poorly, can do great harm to our spiritual life.
Business Partners
When you are in business with a person, in a partnership, that person will inevitably have a very strong influence on you, just as a marriage partner does. Therefore, it is extremely important to make very wise choices about anyone that you choose to be a business partner. Let me again quote from 2 Corinthians 6:14-16: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.”
When you have a legal or implied partnership with someone in business, that fits the definition of being “yoked together.” So, if you are believer, it is clear that any business partner you choose should also be a believer, sharing your Christian principles and business ethics. Otherwise, you will find that there will be an incompatibility between what you see as the right thing to do and what that partner sees as the expedient thing to do.
Business partnerships at best face many challenges, because any two people will have different ideas and approaches to business problems and promotion. If you and your business partner are not in sync concerning business practices, money management, and ethical policies, you may find yourself under pressure to conform to your partner’s point of view.
There’s no doubt that a business partner has the power and influence to make decisions and form business practices which could be quite unbiblical and unacceptable to a believer who intends to honor God in their business lives. Therefore, if you are in a business partnership, just as in a marriage partnership, you need to be “yoked together” with a fellow believer.
You may be wondering if this applies to those we work for or to our co-workers. In other words, should a Christian work for a person who is not a Christian, or with people who are not Christians? Should a Christian work in an organization that is not managed by Christians? An employee is not a partner in a business, so therefore I don’t believe this applies to people we work for–our employers—or to our co-workers. Being “yoked together” would apply where there is some bond, either legal or implied, between two people.
However, we do need to be selective about the organization for whom we work. We certainly don’t want to expend our daily efforts for any company that is not producing a worthwhile product or service. A friend of mine came to know Jesus as her Savior while she was an employee with a well-known pornographic magazine. She was then faced with the decision of whether she should continue to work for an organization that produced a product in opposition to Christian principles. Though she was not personally associated with the content of the magazine, she recognized that it would be wrong for her to continue to support this company by working for them, so she found another job.
Counselors
Another relationship you need to be very cautious about is anyone you go to as a counselor. Whether that counselor is a casual acquaintance, good friend, a professional psychologist, or a spiritual leader, it is your responsibility to ensure that the counsel you receive is biblical and edifying. Just because someone has a degree of some sort, or has a position of importance or influence does not automatically mean that that person is qualified to be your counselor.
How do you know if you’re with the right counselor or not? Well, there are many ways to tell, but certainly if a counselor gives you advice that is in any way unbiblical, you have chosen the wrong counselor. Much of what is accepted in psychology and psychiatry today is anti-biblical.
Any counselor who leads you to be self-focused, to concentrate primarily on your past, to shift blame, and to be dependent upon them instead of the Lord, is not giving you good counsel. In the first Psalm we read that blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly. Be careful from whom you seek counsel.
I think of a friend of mine who spent years with the wrong counselor. He had good earthly credentials, but he was not a Christian and made no pretense of supporting Christian principles. She tells of the money she wasted and the damage she incurred in her own mind and emotions by allowing this ungodly counselor to influence her mind.
When you seek counsel from a person, you are particularly vulnerable to their influence. They hold a position of power and respect in your mind; otherwise you wouldn’t likely go to them for advice or counsel. Therefore, do your homework well before seeking counsel.
Even Christian counselors can mislead you if they do not point you clearly to God’s Word. So, as you think of a Christian from whom to seek counsel, make certain that person has a good and long track record of faithfulness to God’s Word, and make sure they live a pure and exemplary life, with in-depth knowledge of the truths of Scripture. You want to seek counsel from mature, godly people.
Proverbs 12:18 tells us that “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” The wrong counselor will give you “reckless words,” and you’ll be harmed by those words. A wise and godly counselor will give you God’s truth, which will bring healing if you take heed.
Spiritual Leaders
I once answered a letter from a woman who had gone through a very painful experience at a church which seemed to be filled with immorality, gossip, backbiting, malice, anger and all sorts of ugly things. It was shocking to learn of these behaviors being so rampant and seemingly acceptable in a church that was supposed to be preaching the gospel.
When you choose a church, you are choosing people who will become your spiritual leaders. You are also choosing a congregation from whom, hopefully, you will form good friendships. A church should be a place where we can find good role models, encouraging relationships, and certainly godly leadership. Therefore, you need to make certain that you have chosen the right church, especially if you have children who go to church with you.
Just because someone has achieved the position of pastor or music director or any other church position doesn’t mean that they are qualified automatically to serve in that position. Be very selective about choosing a church. Make certain that, number one, the Word of God is preached and believed totally, literally. Then observe how bold the pastor is in preaching God’s Word, and investigate to make certain that Christian principles and doctrines are strongly adhered to. Are the people in the church loving toward each other, or is it full of gossip and malice?
Now, you’ll never find a perfect church, and if you did, it wouldn’t be perfect after you joined it! So, we’re not talking about a church where we like everything everybody does and approve or agree with every word we hear. But you should know that the basic doctrines and principles of Scripture are held with absolutely no compromise. If you get involved with the wrong church, you will do great harm to your spiritual life.
So, all the relationships of our lives need to be carefully examined to see if we are associating with the right people.
Proverbs 12:26: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” It is so true that when we continue in wrong relationships, we are much more likely to go down to their level than we are to bring them up to our level.
If there are any relationships in your life right now that are causing you great harm, or interfering in your walk with God, or encouraging you to walk away from your commitment to Christ, are you willing to do something now about those relationships? It could mean you have to break a business partnership. It could mean you need to call off a wedding. It might require you to change churches or change jobs. Could it be that you need to acquire some new friends rather than your current ones because they are leading you astray?
Jesus said to take drastic action when you need to make a change in your life. If your hand offends you, cut it off, He said. If you eye offends you, pluck it out. So, please take seriously this call to examine your relationships and make sure that you have the right people in your life.
For those wrong relationships where you do not want to or cannot sever the ties that bind you, such as a marriage with an unbeliever, then you must work harder at keeping your walk with God on a high level and not allowing that unbeliever to drag you down. You can become the influencing partner in that relationship, and as Peter says, win them to Christ by your behavior, as they see the purity and reverence of your life.
I hope these thoughts on wrong relationships have caused you to think, and if you need to, make some decisions about what you should do about the wrong relationships in your life.