‘- Part II –
People Who Are Different
Who are the people in your company that most people have nothing to do with? In most organizations there seem to always be those people who are not part of the in-group. You know, they look different, they dress oddly, they talk a little strange, maybe they don’t smell as good as they should, they’re not as educated as others, they’re just not important people. How should we relate to people who are just different?
•Make Time for People on the Margins
We have to take note that Jesus always had time for people that others ignored or rejected. He was continually being thrown into contact with social outcasts, from lepers to beggars to sinners to demon-possessed people. In fact he invited those kind of encounters.
And the religious leaders of his day never could figure him out. They were careful not to associate with these undesirables. How could this man intentionally surround himself with those who were unlovely, unattractive, unappealing? It didn’t make sense to them.
Yet Jesus, by associating with those rejected by others, was able to heal them, help them, make them feel special, and give them hope. This is a good lesson for us to learn from our Master as we think about how we treat people. We should go out of our way to associate with those that are on the outside looking in.
Can you think of someone right now that would fit that description? They may be a coworker or a member of your church or a participant in your Bible study or a neighbor. Why don’t you write that person’s name down and purpose in your heart to pray for that person, and then find ways to associate with him or her, to reach out and bring that person within your circle of friends? You may be amazed at what God wants to do for that person through you, and what it will do for you to learn this important people skill.
It’s always good to remind ourselves that God loves us all the same. The Bible says that he is no respecter of persons, meaning he doesn’t value one person above another; each of us is of equal importance to him. When we look at people through his eyes, we’ll see that all are on the same level.
Breaking Down Walls that Exist
In dealing with people we often need to know how to break down the walls that exist between us. They may be walls of age, or walls of different races. They may be walls of hurt feelings or suspicion or fear. All kinds of walls can exist to interfere with our ability to communicate and reach out to people.
Jesus was the master at breaking down walls. Perhaps the most outstanding example is the way he dealt with the Samaritan woman at the well. Let’s analyze that encounter:
In John 4 we read:
Now Jesus had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noontime.
When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?”
He asked her for something. This woman was a stranger; she would naturally be skeptical of him because he was a man and he was Jewish. So to break down the barriers between them, Jesus begins with a request.
How do you think she would have responded if he had said: “I’m very thirsty and I need some water. Give me some water.” I think that would probably have been the end of the conversation.
When someone has a chip on his or her shoulder, or is suspicious of our approach, it’s always better to make a gentle first movement and be careful not to come on too strong. That gentle approach will start to break down the walls that exist.
Also, people respond better to requests than demands. Even if you have the authority to demand, you’re usually much better off to request. It breaks down barriers and resistance.
Continuing in John 4 we read:
The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
Jesus responded with an answer that created curiosity on her part. He wanted to start a conversation and get her engaged. So He talked about something with which she was very familiar—water—and he motivated her to ask him questions.
How do you think she would have responded if he had said: “Yes, I am a Jew and you are a Samaritan. Obviously you know that the Jews are the true people of God. Samaritans are half-breeds. And you should understand that your theology is all mixed up about the after-life and where you should worship. I would like to tell you the truth. By the way, I am the Messiah of God, the promised one.”
End of conversation, don’t you think? Again, he continues that gentle approach and gives her enough information to spark her curiosity. He was a master at taking the ordinary things of life and teaching through them, as he does with water in this case. So, look for the common ground you share with a person who has the walls built up. It will help to tear them down.
Continuing in that same passage from John 4:
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
Notice that Jesus did not take her bait. At this point she is still very suspicious of him and ready to fight. But Jesus avoids her argumentative question and keeps talking about this living water.
Suppose he had said: “Yes, indeed I am greater than Jacob. As I told you, I am the Messiah. Can’t you understand me? Before Jacob was, I am.”
That would have intimidated her or been more than she could handle at this stage of their conversation. Jesus took it slowly and gently as he kept breaking down the barriers between them to gain her confidence.
Notice what happened next:
The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”
“I have no husband,” she replied.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
It’s time for getting things out in the open and addressing her deep-seated problems. Up to his point she has side-stepped her real heart issue, but Jesus has gently led her along to a point where the problem comes out from her own mouth.
“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”
“Woman” Jesus replied, “Believe me; a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit and his worshipers must worship in Spirit and in truth.”
The woman said, “I know that Messiah is coming. When he comes he will explain everything to us.” Then Jesus declared, “the one speaking to you–I am he.”
The woman is uncomfortable so she tries to change the subject and talk about a theological point of difference. Jesus confronts her with the truth about worship and salvation, and she once again tries to side-step: “When the Messiah comes he’ll straighten all this out.” And then for the first recorded time, Jesus reveals that he is the Messiah.
Notice that Jesus is direct when he needs to be. Truth is never compromised for relationship. Yet when he speaks the truth he does it for her good, because truth will set her free, not to prove his point or lord it over her that her theology is incorrect.
Look at the principles we can learn from Jesus in dealing with people from his encounter with this woman:
- People like to be asked. It’s a good way to open a conversation and start building a relationship.
- It’s always good to find mutual ground to start a conversation. Talk about something you have in common.
- Always avoid arguments. Differences of opinion or ideas can certainly be discussed, but arguments do not improve communication. They just create more rigid positions which make it more difficult for people to admit they’re wrong.
- Don’t try to impress people with who you are or what you’ve done. Let them discover that for themselves.
- When it’s necessary to confront, do so as gently as possible. If you can help someone uncover their own problem, it is better than you telling them what’s wrong with them.
Well, this example of how to break down barriers and have a meaningful conversation is one we can apply to our lives. I hope you’ve found this series on the people skills of Jesus helpful in dealing with the people in your life.