Part II
There are crucial conversations we have to initiate from time to time, whether it’s on the job, with a family member, or maybe at church. But when we know in advance that a crucial conversation must take place, it gives us time to prepare for it, to surround it in prayer. But today I want to focus on incoming crucial conversations also, when they come our way and we’re on the receiving end.
You can count on your emotions running very high with these incoming crucial conversations, and that always means we’re more likely to lose control.
Let me begin by pointing out that crucial conversations are often with people who will continue to be in your life no matter how the conversation turns out, and these conversations may cover a span of time. For example, when you have to approach a family member about an issue, or a close friend, or a co-worker that you see every day.
A friend recently told me about some crucial conversations she has had with her siblings concerning the care of their aging parents. In spite of her many requests for help, they have simply ignored her and she is left as the principal and really only caregiver for her parents, and at great sacrifice on her part. I questioned her approach, and it surely seems that she has been as clear and as assertive as anyone could be, but she cannot force them to do what they are not willing to do. And so her choices are to leave her parents without the care they need or keep doing what she is doing, which is totally not fair to her.
In such cases, the biggest issue you face is bitterness—allowing others to cause you to be bitter. That always backfires on us, doesn’t it, so don’t let bitterness get a foothold.
Hebrews tells us: See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Heb. 12:15)
When you allow those bitter roots to grow, you heap more trouble on yourself because bitterness will eat you alive, emotionally and spiritually—and also physically. It will affect your well-being.
Then, commit these intransient situations to God in prayer and wait for him to answer. I know—that’s very hard to do because he never answers on our timetable, but he is a trustworthy God and if you are part of his family through faith in Jesus Christ, he has promised to care for you.
Read Psalm 91 and take great comfort in the truth that “he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”
Just take that promise at face value and be aware that God has sent angels to guard you and keep you from disaster. Even though you can’t see them, they are there and you then can rest in the shadow of the Almighty, because God is your refuge and fortress.
Now, let’s review how to react if you’re on the receiving end of a crucial conversation, perhaps one that has taken you by surprise. First remember that a good thing to do, if possible, is buy yourself some time. Guard your mouth and your tongue. You may want to lash out and defend yourself, but if the sparks are flying, you might be well advised to simply buy some time.
How? Well, just say something like, “I need some time to think about this; can we come back to it tomorrow?” Or, “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Can you please give me a day to think about it?” Recently, in a non-threatening situation, a woman I spoke to asked for time. I asked her a crucial question having to do with money, and she simply said, “I haven’t thought about that. Would you mind if I get back to you in a day or two?” I didn’t mind at all and I appreciated her desire to answer the question from a more informed position.
Defending ourselves is the most natural course of action for us as human beings. And once we’re in defensive mode, it blocks our ability to take in new information or see two sides to an issue. Even though it’s a very normal reaction when some kind of criticism is coming our way in an unexpected crucial conversation, it is the enemy of finding any kind of solution to the problem at hand.
So, how do we avoid being defensive? I find that my personality is pretty defensive—in other words, I get to defensive mode quicker than most people do! Not good, so it becomes a matter of prayer for me. You may not be aware of the crucial conversation that is coming your way, but you can be aware of your tendency to be defensive—and that means you can pray about it in advance. Ask God to help you overcome this bad habit. You’ll be well-rid of it.
Step one in avoiding defensiveness is to name it. Admit it and become more aware of your tendency to defend yourself. That in itself will keep you from some of your kneejerk reactions. When you’re in defensive mode, you’re just listening for inaccuracies or errors in the other person’s complaint, and that keeps you from really hearing what they are saying. Defensiveness is the enemy of listening—and listening is super important in handling incoming crucial conversations.
Step two is to take a step back—a mental step back—and breathe! You’ve heard people say to count to ten before you say anything and that’s not a bad idea in these highly emotional moments. So, truly, just slow down your breathing, exhale slowly as you count to five, and take some time between when the other person’s voice drops off and yours starts. Silence can be your friend at a time like this.
And the third thing to remember when someone is coming at you with accusations, or when you’re caught off-guard in a crucial conversation, is to let the other person talk without interrupting them. Now, that will take some self-control, because you’ll want to stop them when they’re saying things you don’t agree with, but that will shut down the conversation, create hostility, and most likely keep you from any kind of resolution. So, give them time—let them finish, and then when it’s your time to talk, take your time before you respond. As I said already, it might be a good idea to ask for time before you respond if the situation allows you to do that.
The truth is, others may start a crucial conversation with you and do it all wrong. They may come on very emotional themselves, or use all the wrong words, or choose the wrong time and place. And they may be 98% wrong! But don’t let them bring you down to their level where you respond inappropriately.
If you can find any small thing with which to agree with them, then do so. Finding some point of commonality, even if it’s only two percent, turns the conversation into collaboration rather than a combat. Furthermore, if you are at wrong in any way, be quick to acknowledge it and apologize for it. You might say something like, “I’m sorry for my part in this,” or “I just had no idea this was a problem and I’m really sorry about it . .” You can apologize for the situation without accepting any personal blame, if indeed you are not personally at fault. Again, that takes the other person out of accusatory mode and at least opens the door for some kind of resolution.
Another good idea is to save your disagreement for another conversation, if possible. That’s especially true when the other person is really emotional and not in a listening mood. If it can wait, you’ll probably have more success addressing the issue in another conversation when hopefully the other person will have time to calm down and become more reasonable.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
There’s no better advice for you when you’re facing unexpected, unfair, emotional accusations. A soft answer from you to the other person’s unreasonableness and anger will almost always cause them to behave more appropriately. The tone of your voice is very critical at this point in a crucial conversation. If you keep it under control—soft not harsh—it will make a huge difference.
Proverbs 29:8 also reminds us that: “Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger.”
The wisdom that comes from above—from God himself through his Word and prayer—will help you turn away anger. That includes the anger of the other person and yours as well. You know, anger is not in itself wrong. There are things and people that really deserve your anger. But anger out of control is very destructive. And probably the most difficult emotion to control in an incoming crucial conversation is anger, especially if the blame is misplaced and the accusation unfair.
You know, it’s in these kinds of situations that our spiritual maturity is tested. And by the same token, it is in these kinds of situations where our light can shine the brightest in the darkness. In other words, these tough times offer opportunities for witnessing to the truth that Jesus really does make a difference in our lives.
Well, in conclusion, crucial conversations can and do occur in every phase of our lives at some time or another, and they are indeed impactful and can cause broken relationships and broken hearts. But we have power, as Christ-followers, to handle them in a loving way, allowing God’s Spirit to control our emotions and give us the wisdom to respond rather than react, and to let God’s love come through us. It’s not easy, I know, but honestly, it’s much easier than handling them in our own strength and from our typically selfish and emotional perspective.
That’s one of the things about our Christian journey that I think we sometimes overlook. As difficult as it may be at times to have a Christ-like attitude and love even unlikable people, it’s still easier than doing life our own way. Life without Christ is really hard! Don’t forget that.
You and I are so privileged, so blessed to take this journey with Jesus. He has promised to be with us always—right to the end. Remember, you’re not in this alone. In the midst of crucial conversations and anything else life can throw at you, Jesus is there. He knows the emotions you are experiencing; he understands the frustration and anger you feel; he hears your cry and sees your tears. You are not alone. Never, ever! Let that thought fill you today with hope and joy, and then that joy will be your strength. It will get you through.