Loneliness and aloneness are two different things. You can be lonely in a crowd or with a group of friends, or with a mate or friend right there with you. Or you can be all by yourself for extended periods of time and yet not be lonely. Loneliness is a feeling, not a set of circumstances.
The feeling of loneliness is based on the need we all have to be important to someone else, to be loved, to feel worthwhile. And our culture has conditioned us to believe that if you are a worthy person, if you have something of value to offer, if you’re normal, you won’t be alone very much. Therefore, aloneness makes many people feel unwanted, unloved, unnecessary, unworthy—and that is the content and the pain of loneliness.
A single woman shared an experience with me which I think points out our society’s attitude about aloneness. She used to go to a church which does not have a separate ministry for singles, so in order to participate in a Sunday class, she joined in with the young married women’s group, which was taught by the pastor’s wife.
One Sunday she wasn’t feeling so well, so she didn’t make it to Sunday class, but managed to get to the worship service. After church her teacher said, “I’m so sorry you weren’t in the class today.” My friend explained the reason, and the teacher replied, “Well, I was really counting on you being there today because I wanted you to talk to the class. I knew you’d have lots of good input for our discussion, because we were talking about loneliness today.”
As she related that story to me, I could see and feel the pain that comment had caused her. Why does everyone assume that being single means you’re automatically lonely? Why? Because we think that being alone is the worst thing in the world; we relate being alone to being lonely.
This mistaken notion about aloneness and loneliness causes people to do the most incredible things to avoid being by themselves. I know, because I’ve done them. I’ve gone to places I should never have gone to; I’ve been with people I should never have been with; I’ve spent money I never should have spent, just to avoid being alone. Many single people want to get married so that they won’t be alone; thinking that having someone with you day and night will banish the loneliness.
Think about this: Being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. Changing your thinking about aloneness will go a long way to helping you cope with loneliness. You can choose NOT to be lonely; it is a matter of changing your thought patterns. And if you’re born from above, the Bible says you have the mind of Christ, and by the power of God’s Spirit within you, you can bring those lonely thoughts into captivity and make them obedient to Christ. Replace them with truth—the truth about who you are in Christ and the fact that you’re never alone because God’s Spirit is always with you. And this truth can set you free from those depressing feelings of loneliness.
Now please understand that I don’t mean to imply that you would never miss someone’s companionship. If you’ve lost a loved one through death or a broken relationship, or you’re separated by miles for some reason, you will certainly miss those people and therefore you’ll feel lonely. That is normal and it’s a part of life. But God doesn’t want his children to live with an invasive sense of loneliness that controls your life, and he offers you freedom.
In addition to understanding that aloneness doesn’t have to mean being lonely, we must also recognize that activity, people, marriage are not the cures for loneliness. As important as people are in our lives, they cannot be with us always; they cannot promise never to leave us or forsake, even though they may want to. So, looking to people to keep us from being lonely is life on a roller-coaster. Activities ebb and flow, people come in and out of our lives, the most wonderful marriage in the world can be severed through death. And as I pointed out, having someone around doesn’t mean they are able to keep you from feeling lonely.
If you’re lonely today, are you willing to let God change your thinking about being alone? That’s where we begin. But it takes more than that. God recognized our need to know that we are not alone, our need for companionship, our need to be loved and to feel secure. And he has provided for that need completely. Hebrews 13:5 says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” If you can learn to take this incredible promise and apply it to your life daily, you can know freedom from those desperate joy-stealing feelings of loneliness.
I don’t mean to sound like all you have to do is quote a verse and you won’t be lonely anymore. But I do want you to know that you can by faith experience the presence of Jesus in your life. The more you get to know him, the more you know the truth of God’s Word, the more his presence will be real to you and that will dispel that suffocating feeling of loneliness.
In fact, your aloneness can give you an opportunity to know Christ in a more intimate way than you may have ever imagined.
Let me share with you a poem that says this so well:
There is a mystery in human hearts;
And though we be encircled by a host
Of those who love us well, and are beloved,
To every one of us, from time to time,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness:
Our dearest friend is stranger to our joy,
And cannot realize our bitterness.
“There is not one who really understands,
Not one to enter into all I feel.”
Such is the cry of each of us in turn;
We wander in a “solitary way.”
No matter what or where our lot may be,
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.
And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love:
In every heart he wishes to be first.
He therefore keeps the secret key himself,
To open all its chambers and to bless
With perfect sympathy and holy peace,
Each solitary soul that comes to him.
So when we feel this loneliness, it is
The voice of Jesus saying, “Come to me”;
And every time we are “not understood,”
It is a call to us to come again;
For Christ alone can satisfy the soul,
And those who walk with Him from day to day,
Can never have a “solitary way.”
This beautifully expresses exactly what I would say to you today about loneliness. With Christ you don’t have to feel that ever-abiding despair of being lonely. He has come to abolish it, and he is totally capable of doing just that, if you will allow him to.
If you’re experiencing overwhelming loneliness, you have to come to the place where you are willing to let God change your thinking. Maybe you’re like the little boy who was afraid of going to bed in the dark. His father said to him, “Son, you don’t have to be afraid. Jesus is with you.” And the boy replied, “I know, Dad, but I want someone with skin on.” So often when I share with someone that Jesus can meet all their needs and his presence can be more real than another human, I can read in their eyes and facial expressions, “Yes, but that’s not the way I want it to be. I want someone with skin on.”
I remember well when God started teaching me to count his presence as enough and not run to other people. Not long after I had come back to God and made him Lord of my life, I was sitting in my office one Wednesday when it occurred to me that the weekend was upon me and I had no plans! For singles, that is the worst of all fates—alone on the weekends. I literally panicked, and reached for my phone to start calling friends and try to make some plans. And as I started to dial, the Holy Spirit quietly said to me, “Can’t you trust me? The weekends are in my control just as much as the other days. You can get through a weekend alone—with me!”
I clearly remember those thoughts flooding my mind and I knew it was God’s voice speaking to me. Somewhat fearfully, I said, “Okay, Lord, I’ll prove that you are God of the weekends, too.” So, I made plans to be alone with God for those two weekend evenings. I spent that time reading some good books, catching up on some paperwork, and enjoying some solitude. But I remember about 9:00 that Saturday evening, I began to get depressed, because I allowed my thoughts to get off base. I felt sorry for myself, and allowed those thoughts of unworthiness to creep in. I found myself thinking, “Something must be wrong with me, or I wouldn’t be by myself on a Saturday evening.”
So I grabbed my Bible, sat down and asked God to again show me he was God, even of the weekends. I ran into God as my refuge, my hiding place, and it worked. Psalm 68:6 says “God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity. Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.” God made a home for me that night, and I became free. Free from the need to have someone around all the time; free from those self-pitying, self-centered feelings of loneliness. Though it’s a lesson I have to re-learn from time to time, I can tell you that now, Saturday nights alone are a treat. The fear and the desperateness are gone.
That verse says only the rebellious dwell in a parched land. Had I chosen to continue to fill my weekends with people and activity as a cure for loneliness, instead of allowing God to teach me this lesson, I would still be struggling with my weekends. Your loneliness may be because you are still rebelling against God’s answers. As long as you continue to rebel, you will continue to live in that parched land of loneliness.
Whether your feelings of loneliness are because you are alone a great deal, or because even in the midst of people and activity, you feel isolated or rejected and therefore alone, you have a promise from God to cure the loneliness, to give you the power you need to change your thinking, to free you from those self-pitying, self-focused feelings of loneliness, if you’re willing to let go of your way and do it God’s way. Your way won’t cure your loneliness. God’s way will. Believe me, I know, because I’ve tried it both ways.
I encourage you to stop what you’re doing right now, and go to God in prayer. If you put it off, Satan will start working on your mind and you may never do it. Go to God now, confess your need to him, and ask him to fill your life with his presence to such a degree that those feelings of loneliness will no longer control your thinking. Don’t continue to wallow in that miserable life of loneliness. You don’t have to; Jesus is with you and his presence can fill in all the missing pieces, whatever they may be.